Dear Amy: My boyfriend is kind and funny and well-spoken — he’s what my mother would call a good catch. But we have a problem between us that I don’t know how to handle. He tickles me.
It seems silly, but I’m very ticklish, and whenever he thinks I’m “taking myself too seriously” he starts to tickle me. I laugh and I can’t stop until he stops touching me.
He thinks it’s fun, but I don’t like it. I’ve said so, but he says I’m ridiculous.
People who aren’t ticklish may not understand, but when I’m laughing like that, my heart races and I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m out of control.
He’s tickled me until I’ve wet myself before. I was mortified, but he thought it was hilarious. How do I get through to him that I don’t want him to do this anymore? — Tickled Out
Dear Tickled: I don’t want to burst your whole “he’s a good catch” bubble, but tickling is what schoolyard bullies do when they want to physically and mentally dominate someone.
When you’re being tickled, you’re disabled to the point where you can’t protest. This sort of aggressive tickling is abusive. You say your boyfriend strikes when he thinks you’re “taking yourself too seriously,” but he shouldn’t get to decide how seriously you take yourself.
Even if tickling didn’t reduce you to a mass of quivering flesh, the simple fact is that you have asked your guy not to touch you in a specific way. He has not only ignored this but has basically denied your right to make it by calling you ridiculous.
If your boyfriend can’t figure out how to respect you enough to stop tickling you, I’d suggest that you throw your “catch” back in the pond.
Dear Amy: My husband will be 70 soon, and our three children aren’t getting along. Two out of the three are talking, but the third daughter is not talking to either of her siblings.
They are all adults, but one daughter refuses to move forward after her younger sister screamed at her in front of our entire family of 18 people while on vacation five years ago.
I would like to have our children come with their families for this celebration, but I am stressed out about it.
We had a family bar mitzvah a month ago, and our son did not attend because of this friction. The daughter who caused the whole episode came but her sister never talked to her. I had insisted invitations go to all, hoping that the sisters would make up, but that didn’t happen. What am I to do? — Anxious Mother
Dear Anxious: Screaming at someone in front of a room full of people is pretty outrageous — and the best time to urge your children to work things out would have been soon after this happened, not after five years of both parties stewing in their respective juices.
Your two daughters might have large and small squabbles going back to childhood. Perhaps they simply don’t like each other.
I gather that your family is like a lot of families — you bury your most challenging emotions, hoping that time will heal disagreements.
But the most challenging thing about families can also be the most transcendent — when you find a way to love someone you don’t like very much. Your daughters need to get to that place, and you should help them.
Get together with both women and, using your full authority as their mother, ask them to please work out their problems — not only for the sake of their father’s birthday celebration but also for all the days beyond that.
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