Dear Margo: I am 40. My grandfather died when I was a teenager, and his will skipped over my mother and left his modest life savings to me for my education. I was frugal, worked through college and invested the money. I am middle class with normal financial struggles, but with a nest egg I am building for retirement. An investment professional said I am about on course, but should try to save more each year. Compared with my mother, however, I seem wealthy.
When I was young, my mother said she could have had the will voided and used the money, but she wanted me to get a start in life. From time to time she has asked me for help … sometimes hundreds, sometimes upward of $1,000. And sometimes she pays me back, sometimes not. She lives on a fixed income now and moved into a retirement community she can barely afford. She recently asked to borrow money under the guise of not having food or coffee and needing desperately to pay certain deposits at her retirement community. I told her I would help, but during our conversation I found out the deposit is to take a trip, which she feels she deserves for going through the stress of moving from her lifelong residence into a retirement community — her decision, not mine. I have to struggle to scrape up money to go on my own vacations. Am I a heel for telling her NO WAY, and that she should stay home until she can save the money to go? Isn’t there some unwritten rule like, “Never ask to borrow money to take an exotic vacation”? My mother has seen a lot of the world over the years, and every time she has taken a trip she has gone into debt. Am I a lousy son? — Miserly Ogre
Dear Mise: I think you are making the right decisions. Your mother sounds financially irresponsible, which is perhaps why her father left his estate to you. Your history is one of coming through for her, so don’t be guilted into feeling you are holding out on dear old mom. I think maybe there is an unwritten rule about asking for money to take a vacation … or there should be. Years ago I lent an associate money and he was very good about keeping in touch and telling me how hard up he was. During one call, however, he mentioned that he and his bride were going to Hawaii for three weeks. I thought there was something wrong with that, feeling that a first-class person would have repaid his debt before taking a fancy three-week honeymoon. So stick to your guns and forget the “lousy son” business. — Margo, corroboratively
Saying no to diaper duty
Dear Margo: Two girlfriends of mine have married, and each had her first child this past year. The babies are 9 months and 12 months. Both friends have asked if I’d baby-sit. I’m in my mid-40s, happily married, with no children (by choice), and frankly, I’m not interested in taking on the task of child care. How do I tell them no without hurting their feelings? — Nanny Manquee
Dear Nan: I would suggest you say that you’ve never been comfortable around babies (hence your empty nest) and would feel ill-equipped and anxious with little ones. My hunch is that they are looking for a freebie sitter. Do not succumb to any sales jobs about how there’s nothing to it, the babies mostly sleep and you’d really love it. To keep things friendly, say that down the line, when the kids are older, you’d like to take them to the park and watch them swing and seesaw. (For what it’s worth, I am no Mary Poppins, either — and I had three of my own.) — Margo, immovably
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
