As more airlines jump on the conveyor belt of fees to check baggage, the number of carry-on bags folks are going to try to jam in the overhead bins is likely to increase, which means increased security-line issues.
Which means it’s time for a modest proposal.
Back when I was a dining critic, I was flattered that people would ask how it was that my daughters, at my side in restaurants from infancy, were so well-behaved. The answer was simple: right from the start they knew that if they didn’t act like nice young ladies, they didn’t go out with Mommy.
And the thing was, it was fun to eat out with Mommy. We ate a lot of really good food, and we played blackjack for quarters. And because the girls were better at math than Mommy, they made a lot of money.
All it took was one time of misbehavior, one squeal using an outside voice instead of an inside one, one thrown piece of bread, and we left the restaurant mid-meal. No dinner. No blackjack. They were escorted out of the eatery by the arm, and they quickly got it that if they were going to get the good stuff, they had to behave.
Now, at Denver International Airport each week, I am forced to stand behind some lug nut who has self-selected into the “Black Diamond Expert” line, only to get up to the X-ray machine and sheepishly discover that he has a full bottle of water and a video camera that have to be removed from his pack.
Or there’s the woman a few weeks ago who right before she got up to the bins, looked around frantically and said, “Oops, do they have baggies at this airport?” And then there was the guy who went racing through the line ahead of five slower people leaving me to push his stuff through (as if!), followed a few days later by the family of six who put themselves in the expert line and who had, I am not kidding, two bags each, and the darling kids had all forgotten they had packed juice boxes.
I wanted to slap “Body Cavity Search Me” signs on the backs of every one of them.
It’s not enough of a consequence for these people that the rest of us stand behind them hoping that flight attendants spill drinks in their laps. My proposal is that when people forget and, oh, my bad, leave their 7-inch hunting knives in their bags, they should be sent home. Right there. Sorry, you can’t fly today.
I guarantee they will double- check their bags next time.
Because I swear if, as I did last week in Bozeman, Mont., I once more have to stand behind some guy who pulls out a gallon Ziploc bag containing a full-size can of shaving cream, a large bottle of lotion and other items that would never clear, with a perplexed look on his face like, “Hey, how did that get there?”, I will not be responsible for what goes down.
And speaking of Bozeman, which may have the worst security setup in the country, let’s talk about the Transportation Security Administration folks. Yes, some of them work very hard and are good at what they do. But I’m sorry, many of them are not helping.
You’ve managed to get through the clogged line, you’ve followed all of the rules, and your stuff is just sitting there in the X-ray machine mere inches out of reach, but no, you are not allowed to get it. Because the TSA people are talking about what they did over the weekend (“Did you use that chicken recipe I gave you? Isn’t it delish? Did you hear what Bob did? Did you get your break yet?”). Why are they exempt from the body cavity search?
Now let’s talk about Clear. You people who have paid the $128 fee and walk through the line all smug and happy that you are going to make it to the airport train 4 minutes ahead of us, you think we hate you because — ha, ha — you are getting through so much faster, and you think we hate you because you were so much smarter than us or had more money and could afford the fee or whatever.
Well, no. We hate you because we live in a country where, instead of coming up with a way to fix a really bad, inefficient system, we have this nightmare. Not only are so few thinking ahead or even caring that they aren’t following the lame system that attempts to make this whole thing work, but also someone invented a way to charge money to make things more inefficient. And then they cut in front of those of us who do follow the rules.
And we inwardly seethe because of the annoying incidents that result. For instance, a few weeks ago I was in the combination Clear/Expert line when a Clear employee snatched my shoes and camera case and put them in bins. But then the TSA employee yelled at me because I didn’t need my stuff in the bins, because there aren’t enough bins. I said, hey, it wasn’t me, it was the Clear person. And he got mad because of those (expletive) Clear people, and I thought, “Why are you yelling at me?” as he angrily yanked all of my stuff back out of the bins, thereby holding up the alleged Expert line.
Hey, DIA, this isn’t working. I say we send them all home. And to their rooms with no supper.
Travel editor Kyle Wagner: 303-954-1599 or travel@denverpost.com
