Dear Amy: My girlfriend and I are young professionals in our mid-20s with no siblings. We have been dating exclusively for a full year. We love each other and have actively discussed moving in together.
My girlfriend’s parents are Chinese immigrants and very traditional. I am white. Her mother in particular objects strongly to me because of racial or language issues.
On several occasions, my girlfriend has attempted to arrange a meeting between her parents and me. They have flatly refused each time. Both the mother and the father are domineering and have specific ideas on how she should live her life. They do not believe that my girlfriend’s opinions, dreams or happiness matter. She feels they are emotionally abusive.
Despite the drama and neglect, my girlfriend still cares what her parents think to a certain degree. She believes that once her folks meet me, I will “charm” them and all issues will be resolved. What do you think is the best course of action to take? — Confused in Chicago
Dear Confused: I commend your girlfriend’s optimism about your ability to charm the birds from the sky, but she’s not being realistic. If she wants to try to have a relationship with her parents, she should go to see them — without you for now — and explain very clearly what their options are. If she intends to be with you, then she must state this, reject their racism and urge them to accept the relationship.
They may threaten estrangement, and if she chooses to be with you she must face the reality of life without her family in it. From what you say, she might be better off.
Dear Amy: My friend and I are both married and have young children. The other night we were on the phone, commiserating about our lives and talking about how to deal with the habits of our husbands that we find challenging. For example, washing dishes is a sore spot in my household. When my husband does pitch in, he doesn’t do the dishes “my way.” I appreciate his help more than I care about how he does them, so I don’t say anything.
My oldest child (age 6) was listening to me talk on the phone about this, and when my husband got home, she told him that “Mommy hates the way you do dishes.” This immediately started a discussion about how I shouldn’t be talking about our private life or about my husband to my friends. Am I wrong to want to talk to my friends about my marriage and my husband? — Wondering Wife
Dear Wondering: Kvetching about household chores is allowed. The mistake you made was to complain about your husband in front of your child.The best position is somewhere in the middle, where people discuss their lives, but with respect, kindness and discretion.
Dear Amy: Your view on brides being “given away” by their fathers is hurtful.
My father “gave away” a daughter-in-law (whose own father was across the sea) and two daughters. Six months after my marriage, my father died. I cherish the day he walked me down the aisle and placed my hand in the hand of my husband-to-be. You young women should spend less time trashing old, good traditions and accept the love involved. —Happy I Was Given Away
Dear Happy: My view is that women should be able to choose whether they wish to be “given away.” This is an old tradition, cherished by many, and your perspective is valuable — but not shared by everyone.
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