So, you’re going to have a houseguest in August.
Buck up, Bucko. It’s just one of the joys of living along the Front Range during the Democratic National Convention.
I’m guessing that your second cousin, who was the assistant sergeant-at-arms at his state convention, has been rewarded with a gallery pass for the Big One and wants to bunk down in your back bedroom for a week. No matter that you haven’t heard from him since Christmas 1973.
Or the son of your college roommate — a kid who is a graduate student at Tent State — hopes to unfurl his sleeping bag in your basement until he gets arrested and/or raises enough money for a bus ticket home.
Well, it’s our civic duty to provide shelter to those in need come Aug. 25-28. After all, the convention will add $13 bazillion to the local economy and showcase us to the world. Besides, if a motel or hotel room isn’t already booked, it’s going for at least $300 a night.
In addition to providing lodging, we also must do everything we can to show our visitors a good time.
It wouldn’t be right if your third cousin’s neighbor came all the way from Bloomington and didn’t get a real taste of what Colorado has to offer.
We should show our guests as many local attractions as possible. If a new “friend” was roosting on the rollaway in my rec room, I’d make sure they saw one or more of the following:
• Tiny Town, on Highway 285 between Morrison and Conifer. Dems take pride in being champions of the “little guy,” right? What better place to show their support than this wee community of 300 wee dwellings? (No one lives there, but that means the town leaves an even tinier carbon footprint.)
• Molson Coors Brewery in Golden. Take them on a public tour to see American industry in action and savor the free samples afterwards. Yes, I know, the Coors family is a rather conservative bunch politically. But everyone has the welcome mat out. You can tell them the brewery is in Jefferson County. That’s Jefferson, as in Thomas. Did I mention the free suds?
• Boulder. Lovingly referred to as the “People’s Republic of Boulder,” this scenic university town probably is the Western Hemisphere’s most liberal enclave. How liberal? The city council there once passed an ordinance dictating that while residents may shelter pets, they cannot “own” them. Canines and felines have rights, too. Sign up for one of two daily “Banjo Billy’s” bus tours and see the local sights and learn the history. Fittingly, the tour bus has been made to look like a hillbilly shack.
• Mount Evans Summit. It’s only an hour west of downtown on Interstate 70, then south from Idaho Springs. Motor skyward on the highest paved road in the world. When you hit the 14,130-foot mark, drop off your guest in the parking lot and let him hike up another 134 feet to the summit. Then he can honestly tell the folks back home that he scaled one of Colorado’s Fourteeners. If you’re there on a clear day, explain that you can see four states with a total of 23 electoral votes.
• Alferd Packer’s grave, Littleton Cemetery, 6155 S. Prince St. Packer, an early-day prospector, absolutely savored liberals. In fact, he often had them for dinner. When Packer was sentenced to prison in 1874 for killing five of his companions while snowbound for several weeks in southwestern Colorado, the judge came down on him hard: “Damn you, Alferd Packer. There were only seven Democrats in Hinsdale County and you ate five of them.” Alferd was our state’s most famous cannibal, but he also gets credit for inventing the frozen dinner. A century later, then-Gov. Dick Lamm — a Democrat — considered pardoning Packer posthumously, after an investigation indicated that Alferd digested his pals only after they froze to death. The pardon was never granted.
• Butterfly Pavilion and Insect Center, 6252 W. 104th Ave., Westminster. A definite “must” for all enviros. See thousands of bugs, endangered and otherwise, in the center’s “Crawl-A-See-‘Em.” Touch a tarantula and mill around with millipedes. Don’t miss one of the twice-daily butterfly releases, which are more impressive than the falling confetti at the Pepsi Center.
One more thing: There is some possibility that your temporary housemate will repay your kindness by treating you to lunch or dinner out. In that case, when the check arrives, point out that we Coloradans are very generous tippers. After all, our visitors should do everything they can to help keep Colorado green!
This article has been corrected in this online archive. Originally, due to a reporting error, it said Alferd Packer was pardoned for the crime of murder by Gov. Dick Lamm.
