Dear Margo: Each night I lay awake wondering what I’m going to do down the road when my daughter starts questioning her parentage. While she’s still young, not even 2 years old yet, I know this is going to come up eventually. She has a wonderful, caring, loving father figure who is planning to adopt her once we get married. My unease is that she will eventually figure out that he isn’t her biological father. There is no father named on her birth certificate. I became pregnant by rape, though I never went so far as to press charges. I don’t want to lie to my daughter about something as important as this. But on the other hand, I don’t know how to explain the truth without her losing some part of herself in knowing that the man who helped create her did something that terrible. She is by far the most wonderful creature to ever come into my life. There is not a single regret in my mind. But I was young once, too, and I know that my rationale that it was all worth the pain may not go over with her. Is there a third option I’m not looking at? A suggestion? My fiance is open to support whatever decision I make. — Anxious
Dear Anx: I thought about this long and hard. While, generally, the truth is preferable, I would obfuscate it in this case for the simple reason that the absolute truth is too traumatic and ugly to pass on to a child of any age. I think it enough to say that the father was a man you hardly knew, with whom you did not plan to become intimate, and who was soon out of your life — and never in hers. It is great that she has her wonderful surrogate father and will grow up thinking of him as “Dad.” There is a chance she may never inquire about her biological history. Try to move this “what if” scenario out of your mental file of things to worry about. — Margo, assuredly
Gay men with wives
Dear Margo: I bet you’ve never gotten a letter like this before. I’m a 25-year-old man who’s in love with one of my best friends, “Tom.” (Yes, we’re both male.) I’m not only in love with him, we’re lovers. Tom is married to a woman named “Maria,” but theirs was just a “for show” marriage because Tom’s job is the type that would benefit from a “trophy wife.” Maria knows about me and has no objections. I am fairly certain that Maria is also having an affair, though I’m not sure. As you can imagine, the two of us aren’t exactly buddies, though we don’t dislike each other. Here’s the problem: I get jealous. Tom and Maria act like they’re in love when they’re in public, and even though I know it’s fake, it bothers me. Let me stress that Maria and I have an understanding, so it’s not that I feel guilty or think that Tom might leave me for her. (Neither of them loves the other and they both know it.) I don’t want to make trouble by asking them to get divorced, but I really don’t know what to do. Any advice? — Unreasonably Jealous
Dear Un: I would not invite them to get divorced unless you are prepared to hear “no.” They married for a reason, and that reason is most likely still in play. Sometimes “arrangements” satisfy neurotic needs. Your options are rather clear-cut: learn to manage your jealousy, internalizing that the wife is camouflage, or find a lover who is not in a sham marriage with a woman. — Margo, pragmatically
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
