Dear Amy: I am in the process of reviewing and possibly rewriting my will because many changes have taken place in my life since I first wrote it. I have been considering including notes to my children and grandchildren.
My late husband was abusive to my older children and me. The younger ones and grandkids never saw that side of him, although he was very strict with them. I thought final notes might explain to each of them why he behaved as he did and why I stayed with him and how his abuse affected the way I viewed life.
I worry that these notes might be extremely upsetting to them, and that they might not accept them in the manner intended.
Should I do this? — Caring Mom
Dear Mom: If you are eager to set the record straight and explain aspects of your life, then you should consider doing it now and in person, when you are around to answer the inevitable questions. No doubt your older children bear their own scars from their abusive father. You could help them by acknowledging this and talking about it. Any letter you leave behind should comfort your family.
Dear Amy: Last month I broke my ankle and had surgery. I live alone and am confined to a wheelchair six more weeks.
Recently a friend from another city called and said she wanted to come for a visit. Usually I try to make her visits similar to a “vacation at a resort.”
I tried to dissuade a visit, indicating I could not be a hostess at this time.
She still insisted on coming, so I arranged for grocery/liquor deliveries, prepared the guest room, planned activities, etc.
The day she was due to arrive, I called, and she said that she had changed her plans and would not be driving through my city after all.
She indicated that she should have called but “the time got away from her.” I was dumbfounded but didn’t say so.
Now that I’ve had time to think about this, I feel hurt, angry and inconvenienced.
My first inclination is to end the friendship. This type of behavior on her part is more the norm than the exception. I’d like to handle this in a mature, adult way. — Annoyed
Dear Annoyed: When your friend indicated she was going to visit (uninvited), you could have said, “Great — I could really use the help right now.” The mature, adult thing to do is to talk to your friend about this, giving her a chance to respond before you decide to end the friendship.
Dear Amy: I recently read a letter from “Upset Patient,” whose doctor called him by his first name.
It appears that you may be unaware of the strange changes in procedures since the enactment of laws protecting patients’ privacy.
The interpretation of these laws has ended up with medical office personnel being told they must not call patients by their last names in front of others.
I realize that some doctors call their patients by their first names even in the exam room and may not be aware of how paternalistic and condescending this feels for many of our patients. However, most of the time when you hear health-care workers using patient’s first names, they are following the law! — M.D.
Dear M.D.: HIPPA laws have created all sorts of awkwardness, but there is no reason for a physician to call a patient by his first name in the privacy of the exam room.
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