Dear Margo: I am a 42-year-old woman married to a wonderful 51-year-old man for 15 years. My husband is the kind of man anyone can depend on. He is kind and as good as his word. However, he has a 30-year-old son who is about to be released from prison for the second time. All of his charges relate to drugs. On his last release, my husband and I agreed to let him parole out to our home. He had to go somewhere, and my husband convinced me that it would only be long enough to get him on his feet. I will spare you the horrors of the things that happened during that time, but suffice it to say that it almost cost us our marriage. Now this 30-year-old man will be paroling out for the second time, and my husband has this time made the decision to have him at our house without my consent. He is fully aware that I absolutely do not want this to happen. We have a very impressionable 15-year-old son in our house, and the 30-year-old has no respect for our rules. My husband tells me I’m not giving his son a chance and that he has nowhere else to go. (His mother’s side of the family disowned him because he stole his younger brother’s identity.) I don’t trust him and I don’t want him in my house. I’m afraid that this time my marriage will end because of this. Please advise. — Fearful
Dear Fear: Tell your husband you gave his son a chance and he blew it. The fact that you have a teenage son, along with the identity theft, is solid reason for declining to be responsible for the second parole. (The fact that the young man’s mother’s family has disowned him speaks to your position.) I would tell your husband that he is welcome to get an apartment and live there with his son until the parole is over. I agree that making these plans without your permission is destructive, and your husband will have to choose. He put himself on the line once and it did no good. I wish you well. — Margo, immovably
A Friend in Need … Has a Short Memory
Dear Margo: I am a gay man living in California with my partner, “James.” We had been planning to have a commitment ceremony early in 2009; however, with the recent decision of the California Supreme Court to allow gay marriages beginning in June, James and I decided to have a legal marriage ceremony and follow it up with a real celebration next year as planned. I asked my best friend of 20 years to be our witness for the legal ceremony, and unfortunately, she declined for religious reasons. I am crushed. Our friendship has never had conditions before. I am the godfather of her child, and I was with her on the day he was born because she was unmarried and the father was not in the picture. I’ve been the closest thing he’s ever had to a father. I don’t know what to think. — Crushed
Dear Crush: I know what I think. I think this woman has let “religious” considerations trump friendship … and I also think she has a short memory. Her religious beliefs did not stop her from having a gay man be her child’s godfather, or from accepting his kindness and friendship when she needed kindness and friendship. I think this woman is hypocritical and her head is not on straight about the gay thing. Chalk it up to a hard lesson learned. And as an aside, I was the very elderly “flower girl” at the wedding of two gay men and it was a grand occasion. I suggest you find a true friend to have the honor of being your witness. — Margo, matrimonially
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
