BEIJING — “I’ll take the sheep penis, please.”
Showing no more reaction than if I had ordered a Big Mac, the attractive waitress in tight dress and high heels wrote down my order that would get me arrested in 49 states. (For which state it won’t, read on. No, it’s not Wyoming.) But I’m in China. In China, sheep penis is on the, um, long list of foods Chinese men consume for ultimate manliness.
Along with ox penis. And horse penis. And dog. And yak. And donkey. And snake. All of which are available at Guolizhuang, a restaurant for either the truly adventurous, or, as it promotes, the unfortunately flaccid.
This was the latest stop along an eerie culinary path that took me through China’s creepiest dishes at their blood-curdling best. Stir-fried dog. Roast bamboo rat. Fried sparrows with chiles. I devoured them all before the Olympic torch was even lit. If the Bird’s Nest stadium had had raw eggs, I would’ve eaten them, too.
However, nothing has ever challenged my palate — not to mention my manhood — as much as thumbing through a restaurant menu filled with male organs of the animal kingdom. If food is truly an insight into a culture, I now know why China has 1.3 billion people. The Chinese believe there is sacred virility locked inside those animal loins. But excuse me if I felt a little squeamish holding a sheep penis which, fellow foodies, looks way too much like a penis.
The ill-fated adventure began when Post photographer Helen Richardson and I cabbed to the restaurant on, get this, Dongsishitiao Street. And they say the Chinese aren’t good yet at marketing. The waitress, Li Yan Zhi, greeted us at the door and took us into a sterile room void of decorations. It looked like a vasectomy clinic, which, in a way, it is.
She handed us a menu featuring pictures of all the dishes dressed up like salads and soups and souvlakis.
“Chinese medicine uses animal penises to cure kidney and erection problems,” Li told us. “But they must be consumed regularly.”
Regularly? Now, I’ve heard it’s easy to hide Viagra in the medicine cabinet, but wouldn’t your wife get suspicious if she found a whole row of animal organs next to your dental floss?
I couldn’t believe I was trying to decide between the dog (from North Korea, and they even gift wrap the penile bone for you), the horse (“It’s long like this,” Li said as she stretched her arms as far as she could.), the snake (snakes have two penises for, apparently, a two-for-one virility shot) and the seal (priced at 3,288 yuan, or about $490, because, Li said, seals have many wives, and their prowess proves why.)
Chinese men must be true believers or need major help. Four other Guolizhuang restaurants have opened around Beijing and one is planned for Atlanta. However, eating animal penises isn’t just for men. Li said they’re good for women, too, to a degree.
“Women shouldn’t eat testicles,” she said. “It can give them deeper voice and beard. But penises are good for the skin.”
So next time you’re in China, ladies, check out the skin-care counters at the mall.
I chose the ox (18 yuan/$2.70) and the sheep (28 yuan/$4.20), mainly because they were affordable, but also because they didn’t look anything close to a bratwurst. I chose well on the ox. It’s boiled and cut into ribbon-like strips and placed with similarly shaped bell peppers and greens.
It’s served cold. It’s kind of rubbery and salty and not at all disgusting. Unfortunately, you can’t stop watching it wiggling in your chopsticks as it approaches your mouth.
Ordering sheep penis was a mistake. (I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence.) They serve it on skewers and roll it in peppers and black bean curd.
I took a small bite. It was soft and greasy with a strong smoky aftertaste. I’ve had worse food. The bacon cheeseburger at Hooters comes to mind. But you wouldn’t score points with the boss if you took it to the company picnic.
A lot of care is put into the preparation. The entire sheep’s penis (“Way too long for you,” she said) is boiled, then chopped into bite-size pieces before it’s fried. The pieces are skewered and served in a gravy of ginger, vinegar and oil.
I ate four but couldn’t finish the fifth. Next time I’ll order the sesame chicken.
The Post’s John Henderson writes about food he encounters while on the road covering sports and travel.
