Dear Amy: There is a course called Personal and Social Responsibility.
I took it, then taught this lesson to teens and parents about 15 years ago. The entire idea is to learn to take responsibility for our own feelings.
One must never state something to the effect of, “You made me so angry when you called me stupid yesterday. You hurt and embarrassed me.” That lets the other person know your feelings, but it assigns blame and implies that the other person was capable of making you feel something. The simple truth is that you chose anger as a response.
If the intent was to anger you that’s another story, but if that was not the intention, then you became angry over the situation all by yourself without help from anyone else. We would call these “invitations” to feel a certain way that you can accept or reject and then act on by choosing another feeling to express.
Telling someone how you feel can be tricky. It is perfectly OK to say, “When we were together yesterday, I sensed that I was being made fun of and I didn’t care for that. I felt embarrassed and hurt.” There is no “you did this to me” involved. You invited them to discuss this with you by your calm, non-blaming manner. If the discussion turns ugly, you have the right to say, “I do not choose to be talked to like this,” and leave the scene without making any grandstand play (drama). — Good Lesson
Dear Lesson: I appreciate the effort to teach people how to “own” their own feelings, even as I reject the specific methodology.
You are right that we are all responsible for our own feelings and reactions, but sometimes we are also responsible for hurting or angering someone else, and the people on the receiving end have the right to educate us about how our actions affect them.
Sometimes people are to blame for hurting others, and they should be given the opportunity to acknowledge that and apologize.
Saying, “I sensed that I was being made fun of …” is passive, and the more direct response of, “I think you really went after me yesterday, and I want you to know that I don’t like it,” puts the person on notice that he was out of line.
You are right that telling someone how you feel can be tricky, but respect and clarity are the glue that holds relationships together.
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