Dear Amy: I am 77 years old, and my ex-wife is 74. We got “unmarried” (I don’t like to use the word “divorce”) after 35 years of marriage about 15 years ago.
We still live in the same city but never cross paths or talk to each other. Our children are grown and have moved away.
I had a few rough years, but now I’m healthy, wealthy and very happy.
My question is about our 50th wedding anniversary. It is coming up soon.
Would it be tacky if I sent her an anniversary card and asked whether we could at least have a cup of coffee? — Art
Dear Art: Unless there is a history between you two that you don’t mention here, there is nothing “tacky” about contacting someone you shared almost half your life with. You don’t say whether your ex-wife is in another relationship or perhaps remarried — if she is, then you should proceed in a way that acknowledges and respects her current relationship.
If you are interested in rekindling a romantic relationship with your ex and you understand that she is available, then by all means contact her and reconnect, and if you are merely interested in getting in touch with your ex to acknowledge and appreciate this milestone date, then by all means do that too.
After all, this person is the mother of your children and it would be nice to reconcile — at least as much as you two are able.
Dear Amy: I am involved in a 10-year affair with a married man.
He tells me he doesn’t get affection and companionship at home. We have traveled near and far together. Many of our friends think we should be married. My man is a man every woman dreams of having, Amy, but I am very troubled by my actions and want to confess.
He is scared of his wife. He says he has tried many times to seek professional counseling, but his wife refuses to go. What should I do? — Two for the Road
Dear Two: Your guy sounds like a real prince. Most women don’t actually dream of being with a man who would betray his wife for 10 years.
If you are troubled by what you are doing to the extent that you want to confess, then cut out the middleman, avoid the angst and stop doing what you’re doing.
Dear Amy: You’ve said that what happened before you met someone is his or her own business. However, my significant other has alluded to some kind of big and shameful secret but won’t say what it is and sidesteps the issue. How much should this bother me? Right now it makes my mind race, but should I just work to get past it? — Unsure
Dear Unsure: What I’ve said is that what happened before you met someone is your own responsibility. That includes assuming the responsibility to disclose or not disclose a secret.
What you can’t do is tell someone you have a shameful secret and then not disclose it. Dangling a shameful secret in this way is torturous.
Your significant other is probably telling you about this secret and waiting for your permission to tell it. Give him or her permission and every assurance that you will do your best to be supportive and non-judgmental.
Dear Amy: A friend of mine is getting married this fall. It is a second marriage for both parties. They are in their 50s and 60s and will be combining a lifetime of goods.
I want to get them a gift to celebrate their marriage, but they already have the normal wedding items and are not registered anywhere.
Any tips on what to give the happy couple? — Curious Guest in San Diego
Dear Curious: You could give your friends the gift of an experience together — membership to a museum, tickets to a show or a gift certificate to a favorite restaurant. Or you could donate to a nonprofit in their honor.
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