Dear Amy: I have been divorced for more than a year and am dating a great guy. He is 55, and I am 49.
I am not ready to get married. However, we have been discussing having him move in with the kids and me. My son is 17, and my daughter is 20.
A few months ago, my boyfriend and I went away for the night, and my daughter became very upset over the thought of her mother possibly sleeping with him. Consequently, she then discussed the fact that she was uncomfortable with having him stay over (in the guest room) any time in the future.
My son has not expressed negative or positive feelings with regard to the matter.
Please share your thoughts. — Perplexed
Dear Perplexed: It is natural that your children should feel discomfort and some confusion about this relationship. Until you recognize and acknowledge this, you won’t make any progress with them.
Just because your son doesn’t express any specific views about this doesn’t mean he doesn’t have them. Seventeen-year-old boys are famous for holding their feelings very close to the vest — you have to make sure he feels safe expressing any feelings he does have.
Your guy shouldn’t be moving in with you until he is a definite and comfortable member of your clan. I’m not sure why you would be interested in having him permanently in your home as a de facto parent without considering marriage — children naturally see marriage as a terminus of romantic relationships.
Simply put, you need to consider this relationship a matter for the whole family.
Dear Amy: My older sister, “Briana,” and my best friend since grade school, “Tiffany,” recently had a falling out.
Essentially, Tiffany ripped the rug out from under Briana’s feet and unapologetically left her to scramble.
Briana told me, “You can do what you want, but if one of my friends did that to you, I wouldn’t be cool with them anymore.” Tiffany and I haven’t spoken in months.
I’m sad to lose her as a friend, but I’m very hurt by the way she treated my sister.
Now Tiffany’s birthday is coming up and I’m wondering if I send her a gift? She sent me a wonderful gift on my birthday, but that was before all the drama. — Sissy
Dear Sissy: It seems that the drama ended your friendship, and if someone is no longer a friend, it is inappropriate to send a birthday gift. “Tiffany” doesn’t sound like much of a prize, but if you are interested in rekindling this friendship, send her a card.
Dear Amy: I’m responding to your column featuring the 15-year-old girl who was home alone when a burglar entered, bound her with duct tap and stole money, an event that did not, apparently, bother the girl unduly.
As an intern marriage and family therapist, I can confirm that her alleged reaction was highly atypical.
After sharing this column with a couple of other people, two of whom have many years experience with kids of all ages, we all, independently, came to the same conclusion — that the girl had taken the money, partied with her friends, and, toward morning, had them bind her with duct tape. — A Loyal Reader
Dear Reader: I did wonder if the teenager had staged this event but decided to take her account at face value, as I always try to do when people write to me.
My advice — that she was not safe home alone over a weekend — would of course still apply if she were the perpetrator.
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