Dear Amy: As I’ve gotten into my mid-40s and have been involved with family life and raising my three kids, I’ve found that I’m becoming more reclusive and disinclined to entertain out-of-town visitors.
I come from a family tradition of “mi casa es su casa,” throwing open our house to any friend or relation who is visiting from out of town. But in the last few years, I’ve found that when I do this, it makes me so stressed out that I end up resentful and I can’t wait to get our house back to ourselves again. Then I feel so guilty.
Why is it that I am increasingly inclined to just hang out with my hubby and kids (it seems that we have a very hard time carving out family time) and less and less willing to say, for example, “Sure, come stay with us during the week of my birthday (or first week of school, Christmas, spring break, or the only time we’ve had to ourselves in six months, etc.).” I’m not sure how to balance my antisocial tendencies.
It doesn’t help that my husband is extremely antisocial and would probably prefer to live in a cave. He always puts up with it without complaint, for my sake, but it’s just another added stress — knowing that he is silently suffering because he hates having his “fort” invaded. — Cave Dweller
Dear Dweller: Just because you don’t want to have out-of-town visitors staying at your house for a week at a time doesn’t make you reclusive — though your family might think so.
You and your family are in the shank of your life together. As fractured as many families are these days, it’s somewhat refreshing to hear that you want to hang out with your husband and kids.
If you have healthy, active friendships and also occasionally go places together as a family, then don’t feel too bad about your instincts.
The most common-sense solution is for you to compromise — and also learn how to construct boundaries that your family will respect.
Remember, however, that the chaos and closeness that your extended family offers can also be a good thing, as long as these visits don’t knock the stuffing out of you.
Dear Amy: I’m commenting on the controversial use of the word “retarded,” raised in your column.
I own a cat with a very limited intellect; my charming Canadian veterinarian says she is “uncomplicated.” I think that is the most joyful term I have ever heard to describe anyone (or thing) who is mentally challenged.
It makes me smile just thinking about it. — Karen
Dear Karen: While I think that mentally challenged people are as “complicated” as anyone, I, too, have a rather “uncomplicated” cat and appreciate that designation.
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