Dear Amy: I am a newly engaged man and very much in love.
My fiancee embodies almost every aspect of my dreams. Our common ground is deeply rooted in an appreciation of nature and love of the outdoors. We share political views and life goals. She is the most caring, generous woman I have ever met.
She is tremendously insecure about her body image, her financial contributions, her lack of higher education and her career. She is young and full of promise in so many ways at 24. I am plainly more established at 32.
It feels as if I am losing her to anxiety about these insecurities. I assure her of my support repeatedly, but this seems fruitless and almost perpetuates her unhappiness and insecurity.
Do you have any advice on how to help someone else overcome, or at least diminish, the impact of his or her insecurities? I may seem pessimistic, but I see this all imploding further down the road. — Worried Fiance
Dear Worried: Your worries are justified. If your fiancee doesn’t find strategies to deal with her insecurities, they could overtake her and create serious problems for your relationship. People who are deeply insecure beat themselves up. This makes them feel worse, so they spread their unhappiness around to the people who love them the most.
Your instinct to prop her up, support and reassure her is loving and kind, but it won’t fix what’s ailing her.
She could benefit from professional help. A therapist will help her explore the roots of her insecurities and anxieties. Your fiancee should then take this knowledge and make whatever changes she needs to make to gain confidence.
Dear Amy: My girlfriend, “Brianna,” and I are 19 and sophomores in college.
I’m crazy about her. She’s everything I could ever want in a woman.
Or at least I think she is. This is my first serious relationship, and I’m worried I don’t have the experience to know for sure whether I’m in love with her.
I also have a friend, “Hannah,” whom I am very close to. Within the past six months, I started to realize that I had feelings for her.
I can’t help wondering “what if?” Brianna is amazing, but so is Hannah. And because the three of us attend different schools, I often meet other girls whom I wish I could get to know better.
Would I benefit from dating other women, or should I be grateful for the amazing relationship I have now? — Boyfriend
Dear Boyfriend: You’re 19. You’re not ready to settle down, so you shouldn’t settle down.
This is a very challenging but completely normal phase of life, and you should follow your instincts to see other people.
Unfortunately, the trade-off for all this freedom is that there is no guarantee against making mistakes. “Brianna” could, in fact, be the “one who got away,” but you have no way of knowing that until you let her go.
Brianna might be having the same feelings and impulses that you’re having. You should talk about it, candidly, and suggest that you both see other people.
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