Dear Margo: I can’t believe I am actually putting this into words. I recently found out that a woman my father slept with years ago had a child who was put up for adoption. I was not close with my father, but now I am, and we have contacted my half-sister. A paternity test is in the works to verify that my father is her father. She and I get along really well and I like her a lot. I am an only child, and while I joked about having a sibling, I don’t think I was prepared for this and seem to be having problems adjusting to the reality. My husband points out that we are both adults, so it is more like having a new friend. Is there a support group for found siblings? Is there a book I can read? I can’t find anything about the emotional ramifications for biological siblings that are found. — Still an Only Child in My Head
Dear Still: I did a search and found no books or support groups for this situation, though heaven knows there is a need. Between genealogists, the Internet and greater access to adoption documents, “found siblings” are becoming quite a common phenomenon.
I not only have friends who’ve “discovered” half-sibs as adults, but I, myself (an only child) was 45 when a half-sister was born. In my case, the child lived in another country and there was only one meeting. In your case, your husband is correct: Because you like this woman, think of her as a friend. Considering your childhood, for all intents and purposes you are an only child. Perhaps, in time, when you are both older, the father you share may foster a different feeling, and I think the gradualism will make it a smooth transition. If you find it troublesome, you might consider a few sessions with a mental health professional. — Margo, relatively
When the Tea Leaves Spell Out “Desperate”
Dear Margo: I am a gay male, single five years and ready for something serious again. My last relationship was not very good, but I made the effort until I could no longer handle the stress of an alcoholic compulsive gambler. Last weekend I met a really nice guy who is about a year older than me (I am 46). Although he is not really my type, I like the attention he gives me and I really like how nice he is. I am willing to explore the possibilities here. The problem is that 45 minutes into our first conversation, he started talking about “when we move in together,” “our relationship,” “our future,” etc. He is already making plans, tells me he loves me, wants me to spend the night, can’t wait to meet my friends and family and for me to meet his. I have known him for only a few days and feel a bit smothered. I told him to slow down because we don’t really know each other, and that I will not spend the night until I know him a lot better. The last two conversations left me very concerned because they involved him telling me what is going to happen or what to do. I know that relationships benefit from a certain amount of allowing yourself to be controlled by your significant other, but I feel this is out of line this early into things, and my first inclination is to cut and run. These control issues and his neediness seem to be huge red flags. So the question is: Do I heed my inner voice that is telling me to end this, or do I see where this goes first? — Freaked Out
Dear Freak: I am joining your inner voice. This man, going way too fast, reveals that he has neither judgment nor maturity. I am happy to learn you are not colorblind — the flags you are seeing are, indeed, red. Over and out. — Margo, vanishingly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
