Dear Amy: My mother insisted for a while that my children call her boyfriend “Grandpa.”
I resisted and refused, explaining that only the biological parents will be referred to with grandparent names, and that her boyfriend and my father’s wife are to go by their own names.
I have never felt close to her boyfriend or my stepmother, and view them as potentially transient people in my children’s lives.
We have some friends who are very dear to us, who are older and act in every way more like grandparents than my parents’ significant others. I owe them a lot and would like for my children to call them “Grandpa” and “Grandma” out of respect.
My mother would be completely offended if she witnessed this. Do you have any tactful explanations I could provide to her in this situation? — Choosing My Relations
Dear Choosing: You might wonder if the older friends in your life who you would like to honor with this endearment might be uncomfortable being called “Grandma” and “Grandpa” by children who aren’t biologically related to them.
Some cultures have a practice where children call all older people “Auntie,” “Uncle,” “Grandma” or “Grandpa.” You can further refine this by introducing special people in your kids’ lives as “Grandpa Joe” or “Grandma Jane.” Or you could ask people to choose another nickname they might like — such as “Oma” or “Pop Pop.” If you choose to have a set of unrelated people referred to as “Grandma” and “Grandpa,” but refuse this privilege to your mother and father’s partners, of course they will be offended, and there is simply no tactful way to avoid this.
Dear Amy: Two years ago, when our daughter was awarded her Ph.D., we sent formal announcements to close family and friends. Now, two years later, after nine years in graduate school, she is about to receive her M.D. She will be married three weeks later.
We are enormously proud of her achievements and believe she deserves recognition, but we don’t want to appear like we are grubbing for presents. Should we send out graduation announcements? — Want to Do Right?
Dear Want: In my view, an adult who has worked her way through multiple degrees in almost a decade of post graduate education is now old enough and mature enough to toot her own horn, if she chooses.
Your daughter can share her news with her friends and associates in her own way, and you can tell your friends and family through this year’s holiday letter — and share her latest accomplishment and your understandable pride in her achievements — during your toast at her wedding.
Send questions to askamy@ or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
