Dear Amy: My mother passed away last year at the age of 86.
My brother, “George,” and I are the only survivors of our immediate family. I am 59, and he is 57. George has made our mother out to be a saint, but I know things about her that I have never told anyone.
Our mother had other men in her life, and one in particular whom she saw until his death. She would take us with her to meet him and make me stay in the car to take care of my brother who was just a baby! I have other memories of her infidelity.
Our parents separated once when I was 5, and my brother was 1. Our mother’s parents dropped by our house and caught her with this man, and they told our father.
Our father was never the same. He wanted to keep his family together, but he did not trust her, and rightly so.I just could not bring myself to tell George of this because he thought our mother was perfect.
I see my parents as people. Maybe something was missing in her life that I could not understand as a child. I know of no other man in her life until she married a wonderful man after our father’s death.
I don’t feel I carry too many scars from this, but should I tell George or just let it be buried with her? — Wondering Sister
Dear Sister: Every child in a family has a slightly different childhood — depending on age and birth order — and you shouldered some very painful experiences while shielding your younger brother; it was a tough spot for your mother to place you in.
Your parents were human, with frailties and failings, so it might be enough for you to say to your brother, “Mom and Dad had a rough patch in their marriage when you were a baby. Mom wasn’t perfect, but she was human, and I believe both our parents did all they were able to do.” Your father sounds like a good person, and your recalibration of your mother’s sainthood might give your father more of the credit he seems to have deserved.
Dear Amy: Our son just recently married. It was a very small wedding (only 13 people) because the couple did not want a big wedding. No wedding announcements were sent out.
Our close friends and family became aware of the small wedding through word of mouth, and then by our sending pictures on the Internet.
Over the years we have always given baby gifts, engagement gifts and wedding gifts, even if there was no party.
Two of our closest couple friends congratulated them but did not acknowledge the wedding with a gift.Do you only give a gift if you are invited to an actual wedding party, or is the fact that there is a marriage enough to warrant a gift? — Annoyed and Hurt
Dear Annoyed: Generally, people only give gifts when they attend a wedding or shower. But gift-giving is also a reflection of the closeness of the relationship between the two parties.
Clearly you are very thoughtful and generous with your own giving, but your high standard shouldn’t necessarily be applied to others. Your friends might have assumed that because they weren’t notified of the wedding beforehand or sent an announcement afterward, the wedding was a deliberately low-key affair and that their congratulations would be enough. I hope you will forgive your friends for being just average-thoughtful.
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