Dear Amy: I have an ethical dilemma. I am 49 years old and the eldest of five.
We’ve known for many years that my dad fathered another child, who is now 45 years old, happily married and a professor at a top university.
“Steve” does not know that he is really my father’s biological child. His parents are dead, and my father passed away last year.
The question is: Do we tell him? Our family is split on this decision.
We’d appreciate your guidance. — Lori
Dear Lori: There is no question that this disclosure could land like a grenade into someone’s life.
And yet, I believe that, depending on the particular circumstances, we all need and deserve to know the truth about ourselves, no matter how challenging this truth could be to absorb. In addition to the myriad emotional issues this would raise, your half-brother deserves to know his own medical history.
You and your siblings need to carefully examine your motivations.
Those who want to tell should be prepared to answer the question about what would happen after this disclosure is made.
Would you and your siblings be available to answer questions and offer yourselves as family members, if “Steve” was interested in developing a closer relationship with you? I hope so.
Dear Amy: We are parents, grandparents and great-grandparents. As the holidays approach, we find ourselves with the same empty feelings as in past years.
No one invites us to their homes. We have tried saying that we would love to see them, offering to stay at a motel, and they say it is not a good time.
Weeks pass without a phone call or a quick e-mail.
One of our daughters, who lives a four-hour drive from our home, actually pretends to others that she is in constant contact with us, when the truth is she has not visited our home in two years. Our hearts are broken! We know we probably are not alone in this painful experience, but that does not make our hurt any less.
Maybe this will serve as a wake-up call to other thoughtless offspring. — In Tears
Dear Tears: Yes, indeed, you are not alone, and the holidays bring out all sorts of tensions and challenges among family members. I urge you to examine your own behavior and make sure you are the parents, grandparents and great-grandparents you want to be.
Rather than implying that you would like to visit, you might be more assertive and say to your offspring over the phone, “We would like to plan a trip to visit you. Can you get out your calendar to see what’s a good time? We’ve found a motel to stay in for a couple of nights.” If you haven’t already done so, you should also express your displeasure plainly and clearly by telling your children how disappointed you are in their behavior.
If your entire family is populated by self-centered people who can’t be bothered to see you, then you should turn your attention toward finding ways that you can enjoy the holiday season without relying on them.
If you are able, you and your spouse should also commit yourselves to volunteering at a local food bank or shelter, there you will find families who could benefit from, and perhaps be grateful for, your attention — and you will receive so much in return.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
