Dear Margo: I recently got engaged to a man I have been with for five years, since I was 18 — he is five years older. During those years, he told his friends that he would need to be drunk to get married. And … he told me he is going to get wasted with his friends on the big day. I informed him that if he showed up drunk, I would leave him at the altar and reschedule. He said I could take the ring and sell it and not waste the next few years. I love him with all my heart, but I am not sure my heart can take much more verbal abuse. He wouldn’t even listen to the rationale behind my comment. He often storms off, never apologizes, and then suddenly acts as if nothing happened. Was I wrong to say that? — Engaged or Not?
Dear Eng: If you find him verbally abusive now, just give it a few years. Any guy who brags to his buddies that he would have to be drunk to get married — then plans to see to it — is not what I would consider marriage material. If his regard for you is such that he can’t see why you would refuse to marry a drunken guy at the altar, then you need to call it off. By all means, sell the ring, and do not let him talk his way back into your life. There could be no clearer indication of things to come. There is too much wrong with this man, so consider yourself lucky to get away from him without the benefit of lawyers. — Margo, confidently
Another kind of dishonesty
Dear Margo: I feel torn between being a good friend and doing what I think is ethically correct. My friend and I belong to a volunteer group that has an annual dinner. She loves dressing up for these annual events, saying it’s her “one time of the year to go all out.” As her regular style is low-key, she’s gotten into the habit of asking me to help her find a dress from one of the high-end dress stores. In addition, she asks me to help select accessories and put it all together the night of the event. Last year she found a dress she loved, but it was well over $400 — distinctly outside her budget. She bought it anyway. Much to my dismay, on the night of the event she disclosed her plan to keep the tags on the dress (tuck them inside) so she could return it after the event. If she couldn’t afford to keep it, I felt she should not have bought it. I was appalled (and speechless) at this disclosure. Because I couldn’t figure out what to say, I said nothing. I wasn’t sure if it was even my place to say anything. I know she returned the dress and got her money back. Now, my dilemma: The annual dinner is approaching, and I fear a repeat of the scenario from last year. Whereas helping her play “dress up” was fun in the past, I find the whole thing tainted now. Am I being churlish to let her know that I won’t be able to help her this year as I don’t want to find myself party to a deceitful practice? — Maybe Too Straight an Arrow
Dear May: Retailers hate this scam, as should consumers. You are in no way being prissy to register your disapproval. Just as you would not help her rob a bank, explain that you will not be a party to her ripping off a dress store. Then the ball’s in her court as to whether or not you participate in her yearly “dress up” night. — Margo, justly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
