Dear Margo: I am 34 and have been dating a man, 42, for two years. We’ve both been married and divorced twice. He has a 7-year-old from his second marriage. When we first started seeing each other it was just for fun. Neither of us thought it would go anywhere. But now, two years later, I am in love and he says he has no intention of ever getting remarried — even though he has “feelings” for me. He won’t come out and say he loves me. His wife cheated on him, and he says he never wants anything more than what we have now. From the beginning he said he wouldn’t let my dog come over (she does now) or let me spend the night (I do all the time now, except when his son is there). We save money together for vacations, and when we attend marriages or funerals we always sign the tags as a couple. We also go to church together. I have done my best to be patient, but I have to think about my future. I want to be able to start a family and a future with the man I love. Some friends say two years is too long for him not to say “I love you.” As for me, I believe he shows it every day just by giving all that he has — when he said from the beginning that he wasn’t going to give at all. Should I stay in the relationship or just move on? — Waiting Patiently
Dear Wait: Look — the guy got burned and he is spooked. Despite his pronouncements, however, he is coming through for you, and I happen to believe actions trump words. One thing you can do is stop asking your friends to vote on whether or not the “I love you” declaration is late. I would definitely give it some more time, since you have already broken down barriers regarding things he said he would never do. Also, with more time invested in the relationship feelings get stronger. The “I love you” thing, by the way, can sometimes be a sign of a withholding guy, but I don’t think this is so in your case. I suggest you let it play out, strengthening the bond, and perhaps set your biological clock’s alarm at 35? — Margo, prudently
“You Have My Condolences,” or “Boy, Are You Lucky!”
Dear Margo: I am recently divorced, and I’ve had a handful of people, upon finding out, offer me congratulations. I don’t know if they were trying to be hip or positive, but I was a bit offended. I know they’re trying to say “Good riddance to the creep”; however, it feels inappropriate. I will add that every person who has said it has not been through a divorce and obviously hasn’t a clue regarding the intense pain one goes through. Am I too sensitive, or are they too insensitive? — Don’t Wish Me Merry Divorce
Dear Don’t: I don’t know if these people are insensitive, but let us say they are indelicate. They are clearly trying to be supportive, though it is a touch presumptuous to treat the situation as though you’ve won a contest. I think the only time congratulations are in order when there’s a divorce is if the ousted spouse is widely known as an abuser/runaround/drunk/lout or … creep. I would hope you can give these people a pass, understanding that their motivation was one of friendliness. Should you feel the need to respond, however, you might say that undoing a marriage is never a happy thing. — Margo, comprehendingly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
