Dear Margo: Five years ago, while still married, I got involved with my high-school sweetheart. It was a hard time in my marriage, and he said he had always been unhappy in his. I am now divorced. I left everything behind, home and friends, to start working in a new state to be closer to him. He is still married and living with his wife. He says they do not have a physical relationship and haven’t in years, but he doesn’t want to leave because of his sons. (How can I blame him?) His oldest is now in college, and the second will be leaving next year. He knows my daughter, but I have never met his sons. Every year it seems like he has one excuse after another for not getting divorced. From the beginning he told me that I’ve always been the only woman for him and that we would be married. Now he is starting his own company and things are difficult financially (for everyone), but looking at the big picture, it seems like yet another excuse. I’ve tried to break it off many times, but then I feel guilty for abandoning him when he needs me. I don’t believe he will leave his wife, but I don’t know how to move on. — Ms. N
Dear Ms.: I don’t want to call you naive, but your story is as old as Methuselah (mythologically, the oldest man who ever lived). It has to feel awful that you gave up your old life believing he would give up his. If you are convinced he will never leave his wife (which would be my guess), you really have only two choices: Hang around, accepting that you are the other woman, or return to the place of your former life, where your friends are. The geographical distance will help you get over him and create a fresh start. You could conceivably meet someone new, but if not, you would be able to hold your head up and not feel like someone’s toy. From here, it looks like this man used you, betrayed your trust and led you on. So I guess the answer to your question is to — literally — move on. — Margo, historically
Getting even could have dire consequences
Dear Margo: I am a 22-year-old woman who two years ago started a relationship with a man I thought was the love of my life. Three months later I found out he was married and broke it off. Now I find out he is in need of a kidney transplant and his wife will be the donor. I’m sitting on a moral dilemma here: Should I tell his wife who he really is? I mean, giving up an organ is a pretty big thing, and I’m wondering whether she should know the truth before going through with it or I should keep my mouth shut. I would like to think I’m not considering this out of revenge, but admittedly, I was pretty hurt by his deceiving me. I’m just asking: What’s the right thing to do here? She obviously loves him and this would only hurt her. — Problematique
Dear Prob: Yes, and it might literally kill him. The wait for transplanted organs is long — sometimes taking years — unless the patient finds his own donor. It is one thing to louse up a guy’s life because he’s a skunk; it’s quite another to make blowing the whistle potentially fatal. So in this case I would recommend you take the more benign approach and say nothing. There’s a chance that this life-and-death gesture on the part of his wife (who apparently is a match) may put him back on the straight and narrow … but in any case, it should be of no interest to you now. Take the high road and consider it an undisclosed favor to the skunk. — Margo, guiltlessly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
