Dear Amy: I am a 31-year-old single woman with no children.
I am approached by men wanting to go out on dates often, but I haven’t wanted to date anyone until now. A few months ago I started volunteering and met a gentleman. I am extremely attracted to him, but I don’t know how to approach him. We see each other once a month at meetings.
I don’t think he is married, but he could have a girlfriend. Do you have any ideas on how I can approach him? — T
Dear T: You could try to do a little sleuthing to discern whether this person is available by asking someone who knows him what his status is. Be aware, however, that when you do this you leave yourself open to the sort of romance-gossip popular in middle school. Also, his availability doesn’t guarantee his interest in you.
A more direct approach is preferable but requires some courage. Ask him if he wants to have a cup of coffee with you. If he is married or otherwise attached, he can take the opportunity to tell you, either before or during coffee.
Dear Amy: My mother and best friend are throwing me a 40th birthday party next summer. It is not a surprise; I am providing all the addresses for invitations.
I’m wondering how to address the issue of gifts. I would really love to go on a nice vacation. Is there any appropriate way to state on the invitation that a gift is not expected, but that they may make a “vacation donation” or something to that effect? — Lynn
Dear Lynn: I think it’s safe to say that we would all like to go on a nice vacation. It is not appropriate to state on the invitation, “I don’t expect gifts, but if you do want to give me a gift, I’d really like to go on a vacation to Bali.” You could ask your mother and best friend (the nominal hosts of this event) to set up a vacation donation fund and put the word out to your invited guests (again, not on the invitation). Otherwise, the birthday girl should not personally troll for gifts.
Dear Amy: I think you should reconsider your answer to “Anguished Auntie,” who suspected her niece’s fiance might be gay. She wondered whether she should tell her niece what she suspected.
I have two cases in my family of women who married men who turned out to be gay. Both were devastating. My mom married a man who knew he was gay but covered it up. His kids knew but did not tell her. At the breakup of the marriage there was violence involved. The other case was more like your Auntie’s letter. They were a small-town couple who did not really understand sexuality.
After two children and a number of years of marriage, he figured out who he really was.
It would seem to me that some good counseling to explore the issue might be in order. At least a really frank discussion might be a good idea. — A California Psychologist
Dear Psychologist: Many readers did not like my answer to “Anguished Auntie.” I suggested that Auntie’s “gaydar” might have been on the fritz — and that most of us can’t really determine someone else’s sexuality. I said that “Auntie” shouldn’t share her suspicions about her niece’s fiance.
However, based on letters such as yours, people with experience with this issue all say that it is better to share your instincts (even if they’re wrong) than to stay quiet.
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