Dear Margo: My parents have been divorced since I was 3. I’m in my 30s now and still feel bad about the fact that my father seems to disappear from my life for long periods of time. Several years ago I tried to contact him, and I found out that all three e-mail addresses, both phone numbers and the mailing address I had for him were wrong. I sent a Father’s Day package and got it back with the new address written on it. I sent it to the new place, but I didn’t hear from him. (This was after a year and a half of trying to find him, by the way.) After another year or so, he sent me a cell phone, out of the blue. I called him at the number he’d written in the card, and we communicated. That was a couple of years ago.
I thought we could work on building something like a father-daughter relationship, but it seems impossible. Last time I talked to him was a few months ago. He wanted to know if I would like to visit, and I agreed. He said he’d look into travel options and call me back, and I haven’t heard a word. This kind of thing has happened before so I’m not terribly surprised, just disappointed. I feel like I’ve tried over the last few years to reach out to him several times and he never tries to reach out to me. I’m sick of having to be the one to call. I know all relationships require work, but this one feels like forced labor. At what point is it OK to write off a parent as a lost cause, and why do I still feel bad about this? I’m not a child anymore, so I should be able to move on, but I seem to dwell on this more than is necessary. — Kinda Stuck
Dear Kind: For whatever reason, your father is irresponsible and unable to be a father to you. His deficiencies have nothing to do with you. He is, for whatever reason, unable to follow through. So the answer to your question is that the point at which you can write off a parent as a lost cause is when they disappoint you time after time. As for dwelling on this, you might try a few sessions with a therapist or find an online support group. Believe me, you are not the only one with this problem. — Margo, philosophically
Daddy’s Widdle Routines Are a Pain
Dear Margo: I work in a small cubicle office of a dozen people. One gentleman who works in the office conducts calls with his young children (two under the age of 4) every day from his desk. All other personal calls he takes to the conference room where he’s able to close the door and not “include” the rest of us. So for five to 15 minutes every morning he subjects the entire office to these childish conversations. The calls are disruptive and distracting and drive us all batty. You can almost feel the collective eye roll when those conversations start — but he is oblivious to our irritation. What is the most polite way to curb this behavior? We really don’t want to know what his 3-year-old had for breakfast or how the park was or if Mommy is having a good day. Any suggestions? — Going Loopy in Lakeville
Dear Go: For some reason, this man has made a distinction between calls to grown-ups and calls to toddlers. I suggest that the bravest of you tell him that you would all appreciate it if he would make his family calls in the conference room, just as he does his other phone calls. You might add that the small size of your office makes it impossible to ignore people talking on the phone, and the one-way conversation interferes with concentration. I suspect he has no idea of how these conversations sound to other people. Unless the guy is passive aggressive, he will move his romper room act out of your hearing. — Margo, unobtrusively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
