Dear Margo: I recently left my husband of 21 years and now live alone. All things considered, it’s been an amicable split and we are still on good terms. We have a 21-year-old daughter and an 18-year-old son. They not only supported my decision, they wondered why we stayed together as long as we did. I left my husband for many reasons, but one of the biggies was finding out he had a teenage son by another woman, the result of a brief affair during the early years of our marriage. He sees the boy occasionally, but our children don’t know he exists, and he adamantly refuses to tell them about him, saying he’s not ready for them to know. My question is: Don’t my kids have the right to know they have a sibling? I am tempted to tell them, but don’t feel it’s my place to do so. What do you say? — Memphis Mom
Dear Mem: I agree with your instinct that it’s not your place to pass on this information. It is their father’s “news.” He runs the risk, of course, of your children finding out from someone else, but the bearer of this bulletin should not be you. I have never been a believer in the “right” to information such as this. Your ex may never be ready to divulge his secret — which is what it is. — Margo, reflectively
Never too late to try
Dear Margo: When I was in college, I had a good friend, “Leslie,” who flitted from one man to another, never breaking up with one until another was waiting in the wings. I knew this about her personality, but always hoped she’d find “the one.”
Years ago, I went on a blind date with a guy named “Matt,” and though we had a nice time, we didn’t make a connection. Two weeks later Leslie came buzzing around about a new guy she just met but couldn’t start dating until she’d broken up with “Steve.” She made short work of breaking up with Steve and then started dating the new guy. The guy was Matt! Fast-forward a month, and she tells me Matt proposed! She asked me to be her maid of honor for their wedding that would take place one month later. I asked what the rush was, and she said, “It just feels right.” My gut told me this was wrong, so I told her I couldn’t support her rushing into marriage, and asked her to wait a few months so they could get to know each other better. As you might expect, she got angry, called me judgmental and said I was just jealous because it hadn’t worked out between Matt and me. She was right about the first part, not the second. I called her many times to get her to talk to me again, but she refused.
Now, 12 years later, I run into a mutual friend who tells me Leslie and Matt are still happily married. I’d like to reach out to her and become friends again, with apologies for being so judgmental, but I fear she’d still be angry with me. Any thoughts on whether (and how) to offer the olive branch? — Missing My Old Friend
Dear Miss: It is always worth trying to apologize. I would tell her about the mutual friend who gave you the good news and say that you are apparently not a good predictor of which marriages will be successful. Say you are really thrilled and would love to see her. It would seem to me that 12 years is sufficient time to forgive and forget. And if not, well … her loss. — Margo, optimistically
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
