Dear Margo: My best friend since elementary school (I’ll call her CJ) is married to a man I have never liked (I’ll call him Phil). Even when they dated I considered Phil overbearing and foolish. I pleaded with her not to marry him, but she did. I agreed to be her maid of honor because I wanted to be a supportive friend. Fast-forward 27 years. Her marriage is, to put it bluntly, a complete disaster. She talks constantly about leaving Phil but won’t actually do it.
Phil hasn’t worked in four years, even though they are strapped financially. CJ is the breadwinner, and Phil does absolutely nothing but eat, complain and watch TV. For seven years CJ has been having an affair with a married co-worker. She fantasizes about a life with this man. Her 16-year-old daughter goes to counseling and regularly has anxiety attacks, which I suspect are from living in a household where verbal abuse and hostility are the norm. A couple of months ago, during one of their heated arguments, Phil slapped CJ hard across the face, leaving a bruise. CJ also started using me as a “cover” for meetings with her male friend. That was the limit for me. I told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be a party to this mess. I have not heard from her since. Did I cross the line? Am I a bad friend? — Missing My Friend
Dear Miss: For all these years you have been a wonderful friend. It is she who crossed the line, my dear, not you. It is one thing to hang in there watching this train wreck of a marriage and quite another to be asked to supply an alibi for something you cannot condone. In other words, there’s a big difference between being a confidante and being a beard. If she lopped off your friendship because you couldn’t or wouldn’t support her illicit activities, that knowledge should help you write finis to this chapter. — Margo, rationally
With This Degree, I Thee Wed?
Dear Margo: I have a 23-year-old daughter who is in her third year of medical school. She has always been levelheaded about most things but has little experience in the relationship area. Recently she met a man four years older than she. He is working, stable and seems to be a very nice person based on what she has told me. The problem is he is not educated. He joined the military right out of high school, served for four years and is now working for the federal government.
In some ways I feel that one’s educational level should not matter. In other ways I feel that attending college rounds you out in ways that can’t happen without that experience. My daughter is somewhat uncomfortable about the disparity in educational levels, and my husband is quite upset about it. His feeling is that we have put too much of a premium on education in our family for my daughter to even consider dating someone who is not college educated. Any thoughts on how we should deal with this? — Happy for My Daughter, but Worried
Dear Hap: I suspect and hope that your daughter’s final decision will be based on the intensity of her discomfort, or lack of it, regarding this man’s level of education … not on her father’s. I will tell you this: While college can often enhance a person’s intellect and social abilities, there are other ways to acquire that kind of polish. A number of people without a bachelor’s degree read a great deal, get along very well and sometimes wind up going back to school. I would suggest you and your husband refrain from being any more vocal about this issue than you already have been so your daughter can figure things out for herself, which is the way it needs to be. Sometimes parental “guidance” has the opposite effect from what is intended. Do not ask me how I know this. — Margo, entreatingly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
