Dear Amy: My brother recently got engaged to a woman who can be incredibly fun, kind, generous and gracious.
However, at a moment’s notice, she can become offended and become very passive-aggressive and refuse to admit that anything is wrong (much less tell us what offended her).
She was married before and I know she has wounds from that relationship. This makes me want to be as understanding about her reactions as possible.
The problem is that she snaps at my parents, my brother and me but will not (even when directly and sensitively asked) disclose what is bothering her.
However, she will continue to make it clear that she is angry.
These tantrums (for lack of a better word) make everyone uncomfortable, but we (I, my parents and my brother) are afraid to approach her openly about it for fear of causing permanent damage to our future relationship with this woman.
She makes my brother happy, and I certainly don’t want to alienate them from my life.
Is there a win-win situation that can clear the air without burning a bridge? — Dislikes Drama
Dear Drama: You could try again to talk to your future sister-in-law. Choose a time when you two are alone and relaxed.
Tell her that you enjoy her company and you can tell that your brother loves her very much. Then say, “I want to get to know you better, but I have to tell you honestly that it makes me uncomfortable the way you react to me and my parents when you are upset — especially when you won’t say what is bothering you. Can you help me to understand what’s going on?” You are very generous to want to embrace this person as a new family member, but to me she sounds hypersensitive, volatile and rude.
You should keep a polite distance from her until you feel you can trust her to behave in a consistently respectful way.
If your brother can’t plumb the depths of his future wife’s behavior and influence her to behave differently, it doesn’t bode well for their relationship, but that is his business and his problem to solve.
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