Dear Margo: I am a 27-year-old divorced mother of three. I have a full-time career and am also a part-time college student, all of which I manage well. For the past three months I have been dating a man whom I am thrilled with. (I didn’t know there were good ones out there like him.) I think the relationship has long-term potential. The problem is this: He talks incessantly about topics that aren’t of particular interest to me … things like current events. When I want to voice an opinion, it is hard to get a word in. If I remain completely silent (I’ve tried this), he fills in the blanks with noises like singing or little sounds. He’s also in the habit of having the TV on all the time, and I prefer it on only when I want to watch a specific program. I have a lot to think about most of the time and like to enjoy quiet moments. Since he spends a great deal of time talking and not listening, I don’t feel he is interested in learning more about me. (He does not ask me many personal questions.) At one point I discussed this with him, and he does not feel we are having trouble connecting emotionally. Could he just be an emotionally simpler breed of man than I am used to? The question is: How can I get “quiet time” without hurting his feelings? I am crazy about the man, and I feel we could have a good life together if only he would be quiet when it counts. — Lover of Quiet
Dear Love: This man clearly likes noise around him, even if he has to make it himself. When you mentioned he fills in the blanks with “singing or little sounds,” I thought he might have a neurological problem. But a neurologist assures me this is simply a quirk … annoying maybe, but not an indicator of something serious. I would guess this man is just self-centered with a few peculiarities, so you will have to weigh these deficits against the fact that you are crazy about him. If going into another room isn’t possible when he becomes enchanted with the charms of his own voice, you might try reiterating your need for occasional quiet. If he is unable to adjust, then a future together does not look bright. You cannot go through life with a chatterbox. — Margo, talkatively
How Do I Refer to (Fill-in-the-Blank)?
Dear Margo: I know this is kind of goofy, and on a scale of one to 10, this is about a minus one, but nevertheless it’s the problem I am having. I never know what to call the woman who cleans my house when speaking of her to other people. I think she is a maid, which is what my mother called hers, but I get the idea that word is no longer p.c. Can you help? — Linguistically Challenged
Dear Ling: The name I like best is a bit ironic. An honorary aunt of mine always referred to her help as “les domestiques.” Since that wouldn’t play with most people (unless they were French), I think the newer designations are “cleaner” or “helper.” Some women who do their own cleaning refer to themselves, tongue in cheek, as “domestic engineers.” And then, of course, dear Roseanne Barr referred to herself as “a domestic goddess.” I agree that the word “maid” has probably been relegated to the hotel world. — Margo, progressively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
