Dear Amy: My girlfriend and I had an argument about sexual etiquette. We are hoping that you could give your opinion and decide who did the right thing.
We are both in our 40s and were invited to sleep over at my brother and his fiance’s home rather than drive home on New Year’s Eve.
We were both drunk and went to sleep around 4 a.m. in a bedroom downstairs, just below my brother’s and his fiance’s bedroom.
The next morning my girlfriend wanted to be intimate with me.
Knowing that it was my brother’s home and that he was upstairs with his fiance, I said we should respect his home and wait until we went home to my condo.
She was very upset and thought that it would not have been a big deal to be intimate in someone else’s house, especially because it was my brother’s house, and he and his fiance live together.
Could you please inform us who is right in this situation? — Wondering in New York
Dear Wondering: When it comes to matters of the heart (and other organs), the person who says “no,” for whatever reason, should be respected.
This is an important and ongoing negotiation for couples.
Other than the idea that unmarried couples shouldn’t sleep together (a notion you, your brother and your respective partners all obviously reject), I know of no etiquette rule dictating where couples can be intimate — other than to always be respectful of others’ comfort.
However, if the idea of doing this in your brother’s house creeps you out and you ask your girlfriend to wait, she should respect your discomfort, work hard to understand your reasoning and be decent about it.
Dear Amy: I live across the country from my parents and extended family, who all live in the same city. As a gift, my parents invited my 2-year-old son and me to join them on vacation in Florida.
My grandmother was also invited, as my son and I get to see her and my parents only a few times a year. My aunt also lives near my folks and decided to “surprise” us by buying tickets to join us on our vacation.
My parents and I are upset because we planned this vacation so my son and I can have quality time with my parents and grandmother.
My aunt lives within a few miles of my grandma and sees her almost every day. We have a good relationship with my aunt, but she can be self-centered and intense.
We will all be sharing a three-bedroom condo, which was tight before my aunt invited herself along. No one has said anything to her about this, as she can be touchy, but I’m worried that we won’t have the relaxing, family-oriented vacation we have been excited about.
Is it appropriate for us to ask her to change her plans? —Worried Niece
Dear Worried: Self-centered, intense and touchy people are often insensitive in their actions but sensitive in their reactions.
Your aunt shouldn’t have invited herself along on this vacation. In doing so, she horned in on a gift from your parents to you.
Your parents planned this trip, and they should be the ones to break the news to your aunt that there is simply no room at the inn.
They need to say, “We understand that you would like to come, but we’ve planned this special getaway and would like to keep it just to this group. Let’s plan something else together.” It is a given that you don’t want to hurt your aunt’s feelings, and because of her temperament she might feel wounded anyway. But if you are respectful and draw clear boundaries, it will be her job to get over it.
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