Dear Margo: I am 23 and have been faithful to my partner for two years. In the first year of our relationship he had three other sex partners, which was not OK with me. We worked through a lot of pain to stay together. I knew I wanted to marry this man. He has every trait I’ve ever looked for in a man. When we first got together I said I wouldn’t stand for dishonesty, so he’s always been very truthful about these situations.
However, on the occasions I see him flirting with another woman, I become instantly insecure and untrusting — even though he’s stayed faithful to me for nearly nine months. Am I doomed to live in fear of him hurting me again? Is there a secret to forgetting the past after you’ve forgiven it? — Trapped with Memories
Dear Trap: When it comes to infidelity, I think the only way to really forget would be to develop amnesia. A sexual betrayal, once it occurs, is not the kind of thing one fails to remember; the memory is always there. Forgiving, however, is the hoped-for outcome, and it is this amnesty, if you will, that allows couples to go forward. Given your partner’s history, it doesn’t strike me as a good idea for him to flirt in your presence (or out of it, for that matter). You might mention this to Casanova and tell him if he’s really committed to making amends he will look for ways to make you feel secure, as opposed to threatened. It is bad enough when a woman’s significant other flirts in public, but given your guy’s history, it is somewhere between punitive and self-destructive. — Margo, instructionally
Stepping in to stop neglect
Dear Margo: Around January 2008, my mother started hanging around with a 48-year-old man who has no job and lives with his parents. After a few months my dad couldn’t tolerate her late-night absences and moved in with his brother in a neighboring city. My younger siblings have suffered the most. My mom is still frequently gone after work until late and is never home on the weekends. I’m concerned for the mental health of my brother and sister, who only see my dad on the weekends because they live with my mother.
There hasn’t been an official custody hearing yet, and my dad has taken them on the weekends to spend time with them, something my mother has never volunteered to do since this started. There have only been two weekends when my dad was unable to take them, and my mom was still gone for the entire weekend both times. I don’t know what to do for my siblings. My sister has stopped eating nutritious foods altogether, and my mom is never around to make dinner or breakfast. Sugarcoated cereal and no parental supervision are driving my brother and sister into a reclusive state. Please help. — Big Sister in a Bad Way
Dear Big: You don’t say how old you are or if you live at home, but looking after younger siblings should not be your task, unless there is absolutely no other alternative. Because your father sounds at least caring and somewhat responsible, suggest that he go to court with an emergency motion, move back into the house, look after the children (perhaps with the help of a sitter) and invite your mother to live with her “friend” and his mother. She in no way deserves the house or the children. You are correct that what is going on with the younger ones is seriously destructive and should come to an end. I am surprised your father has not realized this, but it’s never too late. Good luck. — Margo, responsibly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
