I was half-dressed in the locker room at the gym when a mother I know casually, said in a very serious tone, “We have to do something about the drugs and alcohol in our high school.”
Her comment wasn’t completely out of the blue, though I usually don’t have such conversations in the buff. She was referring to a recent survey conducted by our high school to gauge teen use and commonly held beliefs around drugs and alcohol. Not surprisingly, the usage numbers were high.
While the statistics at high schools around the country can be alarming, there were also some things to celebrate at our school: 86 percent of students feel valued as a person, and 91 percent say they feel supported and encouraged by adults in their lives. I can only hope these will eventually balance out the numbers of kids experimenting on weekends.
But back to the locker room. Mom’s concern centered on the fact that while she is trying to do the right thing for her son — which, by the way, rarely translates to “the easy thing” — it’s difficult to toe the line when all the other parents are throwing keggers at home for their kids.
“All the other parents?” I challenged.
“Well, at least that’s the way it seems to my son.”
Ah, now we’re getting somewhere. Perception is everything.
Even in the survey it was apparent to the analysts that kids’ perception of how many of their peers are doing drugs varies greatly from the reality. But then again, any parent who’s ever heard the argument that everybody has a cellphone, or everybody got a MacBook for Christmas, knows better. Remember when you discovered you were pregnant for the first time and suddenly it seemed as if there were pregnant women everywhere? The same phenomenon applies here: We had a heightened sense of awareness, but it didn’t mean the world had gone mad and everyone was, indeed, pregnant.
In fact, let’s break it down (which is exactly what we did in the locker room). Out of a graduating class of about 150, 15 seems like a reasonable guess at the number of parents blatantly abusing their role by knowingly allowing dugs or alcohol in their home.
These are the ones who have either a) completely abdicated their role as Mom or Dad in favor of “friend” (ugh) or b) they are still abusing substances themselves and because it hasn’t killed them yet . . . well, you get the idea.
Another group of parents exists at the other end of the spectrum: those who are so strict that the repercussions often lead to some serious family fallout.
That leaves a whole group of parents in the middle, trying desperately to do right by our kids so they can wholly and wholesomely experience the teen years.
Nobody said it would be easy. But abdicating our role at this crucial time is certainly not in anyone’s best interest. Every parent knows that doing what is good for our children doesn’t always feel good to us. If you doubt this, think of infant vaccinations and circumcision. Ouch.
From very early on, we are charged with taking a little extra time to parent in a reasonable and appropriate manner. We buckle the seat belts and teach kids to ask before petting strange dogs. We put helmets on their heads and water wings on their chubby little arms. We teach them to shake hands and to stop texting at the dinner table. And we do this all not because it’s easy but because it’s right.
“But how do you say no to some of this stuff without making them mad?” locker room mom asked.
Frankly, not making my teenagers mad is not my primary concern. Keeping them alive is.
If the time comes, as it has for many a parent, I will have no problem, for instance, saying to my kid, “I know you’d really like to drive 9 miles in the dark up a winding canyon road for a party where there may be drinking and drugs until three in the morning, at which time dozens of potentially drunken teen drivers will descend on the roads at the same time, but that’s just not what we do in this family.” Oh, and sorry if that makes you mad.
The key is to say it, mean it and still be one of the adults who make 91 percent of kids feel supported and encouraged.
Charla Belinski, belinskis@comcast.net, writes about parenting and family life and teaches parenting classes in Glenwood Springs.
