Dear Amy: My friend “Heather” is dating a man she met at work. He comes across as a nice guy, but he’s not. He lives with another woman, and yes, Heather knows this.
I did some sniffing around the job, and most people have no respect for him. He has cheated on his girlfriend before, with a person who used to work at the company, and it seems when that relationship ended he moved right on to my friend.
They have been dating for several months, and I see how he is using her and how she is being hurt. People are starting to lose respect for her. She can’t go to his house, so he is always at hers and stays over there.
I wish she would realize that he has no respect for the woman he lives with, so how could he truly have any respect for her? I don’t want to see her get hurt. We are talking about people in their 40s here. They’re not kids. What else can a friend do? — Worried Friend
Dear Worried: Let’s review. You’ve done due diligence, sniffed around the workplace and calibrated your friend’s respect level.
Please stop. When you’re talking about middle-age people engaged in unethical relationship tomfoolery, the most you can do is to urge your friend to get a clue, and then stand back. As her friend, your burden is to be a witness. Be a silent one.
Dear Amy: I am 23 years old and have been with my current boyfriend since high school. He is a good person whom I love very much.
However, one thing about him drives me nuts. He exhibits poor manners. At first, I thought that he was just so comfortable around me that he didn’t feel manners were necessary, but he will do this in public too. He burps (often rather loudly) in public and when we are alone together and neglects to say “excuse me.” When I offer him help or food/beverage, he will flatly reply, “no” instead of “no, thank you.” I can’t remember the last time he said “please” when asking for something.
I know I am not his mother, and prodding my longtime boyfriend to be more polite seems awkward and condescending. I will sometimes give him a critical look, but that usually elicits a defensive “What?!”
Can I get him to change his ways without starting a conflict? — Annoyed in Virginia
Dear Annoyed: Your guy is in charge of changing — or not changing, but couples should have a way of discussing each other’s behavior as a path to mutual self-improvement. Because this bothers you, you should say something. Shooting him a look is passive and pretty “mom-like.”
You start by saying, “Can I tell you about something that really bothers me? When you don’t thank me — or the waitress — or don’t excuse yourself, you seem like someone who doesn’t care. It’s disrespectful and I know you don’t mean to come off that way. Could you try to be more polite?”
Your guy might say to you, “I’ll tell you something that bothers me. You aren’t my mother and I don’t like to be corrected.” Fair enough. But adults should be able to discuss matters of behavior respectfully, without fear that a major conflict will ensue.
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