Dear Amy: For the past five years I have been with the man of my dreams. My husband and I have a 6-month-old son. My problem is my ex-boyfriend.
During the last few years, he has gone off the deep end with drinking, racking up two alcohol-related arrests and losing his job and custody of his child. Almost none of our friends continues to talk to him. He has occasionally called me. My husband asked him not to call, but then he just called when my husband was at work.
Whenever my ex has contacted me, he has been drunk and full of self-pity, and he occasionally threatens suicide in some outlandish way. He feels the world is out to get him and that people pick on him and that no one will ever love him. He says therapy is for weak people. Is it mean for me to just hang up on him when he calls — and go on with my life? I once loved this guy, but now I just see a weepy drunk I’m embarrassed to know. I’d love to see him get his life on track, but he’s unwilling to take any responsibility.
But if he kills himself some day, I don’t want to feel as if I could have stopped it.
When is it OK to write someone off as a lost cause? — Happy To Be the Ex
Dear Happy: You don’t ever have to write off someone as a lost cause, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a receptacle for his drunken, weepy tirades, either.
If your ex drunk-dials you, you can say, “Karl, you’re drunk. Please get help. I won’t talk to you when you’re drunk.” And then hang up. If he says he is suicidal, ask him where he is and call the police.
This is very sad, and no doubt your ex has blown through many relationships, but he needs to take responsibility for getting help and getting sober, and this is something only he can do.
Dear Amy: My parents recently had their 50th anniversary. Originally, their three children, me included, were going to purchase a trip for them. However, my folks decided that they did not want that extravagance.
Instead, my two siblings took my folks out to a nice dinner out of state — I wasn’t able to attend due to personal reasons. A few days later I learned that my father was furious that I didn’t contribute financially to their dinner.
In my defense, I have every intention of contributing. I called my brother and e-mailed him the Monday after the event, but I can’t get him to tell me how much I owe.
By the way, my father didn’t give my mother anything for their anniversary.
I find it strange that he finds what I did so objectionable. We’ve never been very close, so I’m not sure if he just has it in for me, or maybe he has a valid point.
What do you think? — Confused in L.A.
Dear Confused: I think you’d better pony up. Whether your father gave your mother an anniversary gift is completely beside the point. Your eagerness to mention it implies that you are looking to justify your own lapse.
You agreed to contribute. If your brother doesn’t answer your queries about what you owe, then you should call the other sibling.
You don’t mention that you made the slightest effort to celebrate this day. Your parents might have enjoyed receiving a card from you, for instance, or perhaps you could have called the restaurant to have a bottle of bubbly sent to the table during the dinner. You blew it.
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