Dear Margo: I am 43 years old, married to a man, 62. We’ve been together nine years and have a 7-year-old. Our sex life has always been great, but in the last several months my husband seems to need more. He is requesting that I “hook up” with my best friend of 18 years. She is gay, but I am not and have zero desire for this. Of course, he wants to witness this without her knowledge. We have fought quite a bit over this little brainchild of his. I have told him repeatedly that it’s never going to happen. He will back off for a while, but then starts all over again. Also, he now wants me to get completely dolled up every time we make love. I mean hair, makeup, dress, stilettos, all of it. He is also after me to go to a tanning salon. I have always taken great care of my skin, but now he says he prefers me darker. I don’t know when I suddenly stopped being good enough.
Margo, we have a young child in school, which means I am not even free until 9 p.m.! This is after cleaning a 5,600-square-foot home, cooking meals from scratch at least three to four times per week, doing laundry galore, plus volunteer work. Oh, and we have three high-maintenance dogs. Is he serious? Could you please shed some light on what is going on here? Otherwise, he is a terrific man: great father, wonderful provider, doesn’t care what I spend … and is always complimentary. This is bringing me way down. I don’t know what to think. — Bewildered
Dear Be: My goodness, the old goat certainly has sex on the brain and a lot of new ideas, doesn’t he? Perhaps he’s feeling age creeping up on him and therefore wants to live out all his fantasies. I would try something somewhat counterintuitive. Tell Don Juan you’ll consider everything on his wish list (except the gay girlfriend) if he will, for one week, get all spiffed up (minus the stilettos), go to the tanning salon, clean the house, cook the meals, do the laundry, look after the dogs and do volunteer work. That ought to calm him down. (And just for fun, one night wear the stilettos.) — Margo, pragmatically
When your parents are typecast
Dear Margo: I am an Asian-American teenager living in a predominately white area. Most of my non-Asian friends have bought into the stereotype of the controlling Asian parent and therefore feel bad for me. One of my friends told me, “It must be hard living in American society with old-fashioned Asian parents,” while another friend who was angry with me said I had “no right to treat other people the way your parents treat you,” implying that my parents treat me poorly. Like any other teen, I fight with my parents and sometimes complain about them to my friends, but I do love them and don’t think they’re bad parents. Even if I’m mad at my parents, I can’t help but get offended when my friends badmouth them in an attempt to sympathize. How do I respond to these well-meaning but offensive comments? — Pitied for Being Asian
Dear Pit: I would tell these friends, “You need some new stereotypes.” Then, as a little instructive detour, I’d explain that your difficulties are really no different than theirs with their parents. If your folks were born in this country, that strengthens the argument that they’re quite “Americanized.” If they immigrated here, you might say that they’ve made every effort to integrate their culture with the one in which they now live. You are good to want to stick up for them, and in the bargain you will be educating your friends. — Margo, enlighteningly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
