Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for six years, and the past couple of years have been very rocky. In a few heated moments, my husband has told me to get out of his house.
He bought the house years before we met, and now he informs me that he will never add my name to the deed, and he insists that I’m wasting my time discussing this issue.
I never want him to tell me to get out of his house again. Besides, I believe that adding my name to the property will symbolize and manifest the concept of true partnership. That is why I’ve been asking him to put my name on the deed.
Currently we are in counseling.
Am I being unreasonable? — Left Out in the Cold
Dear Left out: One reason I like prenuptial agreements is because they encourage (OK, force) people to face and discuss these very basic issues of property and ownership before marriage, rather than when the union hits a rough patch.
You should research the marital property statutes in your state to see how you and your husband would be expected to divide your property if you divorced. You most likely already have a legal stake in your home. These laws were put in place to prevent spouses from tossing one another out of the marital home without consequence (as your husband seems to want to do).
Your division over this reflects a deep rift in your marriage. This is an ideal issue to work on in counseling because being a co-owner with your spouse in reflects your status as partners. At this point, you’re being treated as little more than an occasionally unwelcome guest. This issue — because of its importance to both of you — could be a deal breaker.
Dear Amy: What should I say to well-wishers who have heard the news of my impending layoff? They shake my hand and say, “Sorry for your loss,” or, “I heard about your layoff, sorry to hear that.” What am I supposed to say in response? Should I say, “Thank you”? That just doesn’t feel right.
I am not about to tell them just how devastating it is (my husband has been out of work for a while already and we are circling the drain).
But I am not capable of smiling and saying, “Don’t worry about me — I’ll be fine.” So far I have been able to mutter, “Thanks for your concern, so if you know of a job, please let me know,” but things are very awkward around the office. — Hanging On
Dear Hanging: Your response to these expressions of concern is perfect: “Thank you — if you know of a job, please let me know.” This feels awkward, sad and drain circling because it is — and many people are in similar straits (or facing them soon), so let your colleagues offer their support, even if they don’t do it well.
There is no way to avoid this awkwardness, so make the best of it, by maintaining the connection.
Some laid-off workers are getting together in casual groups to commiserate, strategize and support one another outside of the workplace. I love this idea because it helps ease the isolation that often accompanies unemployment.
Dear Amy: I’m responding to “T in D.C.,” whose boyfriend was a slob. She should check into what else her boyfriend may be messy about in his life. If his house is that messy, his credit may be that messy too. I know all about this. I married one of those “messy housekeepers” and quickly had creditors calling me on his delinquent bills and loans.
If this guy’s house is that messy, his checkbook probably is too. — Been There, Done That
Dear Been there: The response to “T in D.C.” has split completely along gender lines. Men responding feel that clubbiness might be next to godliness, while women seem to feel that an unclean house reveals deeper truths about a person’s psyche.
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