Dear Amy: A man came into my life via an Internet site and very quickly decided he loved me. He flew to visit me and asked me to marry him right away.
He was a teacher with tenure but quit his job to follow me overseas, where my father was dying last summer. He pressured me into marrying him after just a few weeks.
I soon found out he has a temper and is emotionally abusive. I started to feel I had made a mistake after a few weeks, but he is charming, controlling, manipulative and keenly intelligent.
Recently, I discovered him watching pornography at 2 a.m. He had been drinking and smoking, and admitted to his porn habit.
I am ready to file for divorce after six months.
I am wondering what you would say to me, a woman who raised four kids as a single mom, now in my 50s with my own home. This man is eight years younger, has had three previous marriages, affairs, next to no income, no pension, no savings, bad credit — and now I discover a porn addiction.
I guess I need to see the situation in black and white. — Worried in Seattle
Dear Worried: You bear responsibility for entering into a union before you knew enough to make an informed decision, so you should ask yourself how you would react if one of your grown children made a similar choice.
You seem to have had your wake-up call, and now it’s time to reach over, shut off the alarm and save yourself before you lose more ground.
If you two don’t have a shared commitment to be full partners in a marriage, then it’s time to call a lawyer.
Dear Amy: I have been dating a wonderful man for a year and a half.
Now that I have graduated from college, we live 150 miles away from each other but stay close via phone, e-mail and letters.
We have talked about getting married but agree that we want to be further along with our graduate studies. When I’m ready, he is the person I want to marry. My academic ambitions are specialized, so there are only a few places where I could go to explore them.
We agree we should each go where we need to, lest we have underlying feelings of resentment later on in our relationship, but I can’t get over the prospect of thousands of miles between us.
I find myself unable to make my own plans and complete applications that would take me so far away. How can I motivate myself to stop dragging my feet? — Kate
Dear Kate: In my line of work, there’s nothing like a deadline to get you off the dime. Fill out your applications and send them in before giving yourself any more time to ruminate.
You should see this as an opportunity to maximize your opportunities. If you apply for programs and are accepted, then you can agonize over whether to pursue them. If you don’t even apply, your failure to do so would really be regrettable.
Dear Amy: I’m responding to your agreement that “T in D.C.” should consider giving her boyfriend an ultimatum by refusing to come over to his place unless he cleans it. If I’ve been following this correctly, this is his apartment, not their joint apartment. He can keep it however he likes. — Chris
Dear Chris: “T” visits her boyfriend’s messy place on the weekends. She was looking for tactful ways to encourage and help him keep it clean.
The only ultimatum T needs to make is to herself. If she can’t successfully encourage her boyfriend to clean up, she can learn to tolerate it or choose to stay away.
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