Dear Amy: An old flame recently got back in touch with me. Rather, he called me and gushed for an hour after I dropped him a “hello” note.
Having been trained in my phone and letters etiquette by a grandmother who knew from experience the telephone surveillance occurring during World War II, I pressed for him to write me rather than talk on the phone.
He is angry with me for my reluctance to spend more time on the phone, and I am angry that he will not take the time to send me a small, handwritten note.
I thought we were OK when we started e-mailing and he opened up. But his e-mails dropped off, and on the last call he was again chagrined that I am not a “more vocal” part of his life.
How might I impress upon him the beautiful economy of just one letter, as opposed to the 24/7 nature of voice, text and data services that offer little or no privacy? I cannot revisit or record a phone conversation, nor incorporate an origami enclosure into a voice mail.
Any tips on making the miles between us not so insurmountable? — New Old-Fashioned
Dear New: Why so sniffy? Why the attitude? You mention etiquette as being somehow connected to surveillance, which of course it is not. Etiquette is all about being respectful and kind, not evading wiretapping spies in Vichy France.
You don’t seem to want to talk on the phone. You also measure a person’s interest in you by his writing and/or origami and possibly calligraphy skills. Fair enough.
But what you don’t seem to account for is that your old flame might be as irrationally concerned about written communication as you are about telephone contact. Secret agents, after all, have been known to open postal letters.
My suggestion is for you to drop all of this playacting and get together — in person. When seated across a cafe table, you and your old flame can exchange glances, origami, notes written on napkins or whatever you wish.
Dear Amy: My husband and I recently threw a first birthday party for our son.
My mother-in-law arrived at our home and had brought a little “smash cake” for my son. However, I had already made a special cake for him and told her that.
She got so upset that she burst into tears and sat out in her car for half an hour.
My brother-in-law and husband went out to see how she was, and she complained to them about how hateful I was. I was embarrassed and upset by her behavior. Now she pretends nothing happened.
I let her know that I am still upset and would like to talk to her about it. Other people have recommended that I let the thing go.
I don’t really want to go to any family events when I am not sure how she will react, and I am embarrassed that she spent so much time telling her family I’m awful. — Upset Daughter-in-Law
Dear Upset: Your husband should advocate for you by not tolerating or passing along hateful comments his mother makes about you. You should realize that a 1-year-old’s birthday is a big event, not only for you but also for the child’s grandmother.
Throw her a bone, for goodness’ sake.
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