Dear Amy: I have a situation that began on my birthday last year.
My husband and I were planning a catered birthday party. I invited my brother, his wife and their children to the event.
My brother then asked if his in-laws could attend because they might be visiting from out of town. I have met his in-laws a few times, but I do not feel comfortable around them, so I told him that I could not include his in-laws.
That did not go over very well. My brother called me back to say that he and his family would not attend my party.
His in-laws did not come out to visit him after all, but he still refused to attend.
Almost a year later my brother will not speak to me. When I have invited him to other family gatherings, he refuses my offer. When I see him in person, he avoids me. Should I try to reconcile with him? — Confused
Dear Confused: I have a feeling this isn’t just about a birthday. Siblings often have complicated relationships with one another but are stuck with a dynamic that goes all the way back to childhood, when stomping around when you don’t get your way is the only method you have to express yourself.
Your brother’s petulant reaction is completely out of proportion to the situation.
You could try to mend this by inviting your brother to express himself appropriately. Contact him and say, “I miss you and worry that if we don’t figure out a way to talk, our relationship will permanently suffer. Will you tell me what’s going on?” If he responds reasonably, follow up by saying, “We’re not getting any younger, so let’s try to bury the hatchet. Do you think we could?” Another technique would be for you to call him, not acknowledge the issue between you and ask for his advice on a topic where he has some expertise. This sneaky attempt to sidestep difficulty by appealing to his vanity and authority might offer you two a fresh start.
Dear Amy: My nephew got engaged one year ago. My sister and her husband threw a huge engagement party. We all pitched in with expensive gifts for them.
The woman broke off the engagement, and my nephew kept all the gifts.
One month later my nephew got engaged again to a different woman. We received another engagement announcement, expecting gifts.
I inquired where the first set of gifts and money went and was told that my nephew bought himself a car “to make him feel better.” I think the next gift should be at the wedding.
I also feel the engagement gifts should have been returned. Your thoughts? — Times Are Tough Aunt
Dear Aunt: Your nephew is either an incurable romantic or starting his own unique income-generating enterprise.
The original engagement gifts should have been returned. In my view, engagements are not automatically gift-giving occasions, though an engagement announcement should always be met with hearty congratulations.
Your nephew owes you multiple rides in his new car. Or perhaps you could pry off a hubcap as a keepsake.
Send him and his new fiance a nice card of congratulations.
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