Dear Amy: My boyfriend of seven years just informed me that if I were skinnier we would be married.
I have been pushing for marriage for quite some time, and he just told me that my weight is the only reason we are not married.
I am large — I am 5-foot-6 and weigh 220 pounds. But my real question is should I stay with him? I know he loves me, but my weight is what is keeping me from being married? Is that acceptable? Because of his confession, I have been eating healthy. I do need to lose weight. But it hurts to hear a comment like that from someone who claims he loves me. What happened to unconditional love?
Do I move on and find someone who will love me for me? Do I stay with him and just lose the weight? I asked him what happens when I gain weight from a pregnancy, and his answer was, “We will cross that bridge when we come to it.” How can I deal with this?— Just Fluffy
Dear Fluffy: Let me paraphrase a line I remember from the late, great, supersized actor Orson Welles: “I can always lose weight — but you will always be a jerk.”
You do need to lose weight. But losing weight for someone else is a terrible idea that simply doesn’t work. People who are addicted to food face a lifelong struggle, and the motivation has to come from within. You have to do it for your own health and well-being.
Your boyfriend is dangling a deal that you should not take. True partners commit to loving the whole person. They encourage rather than demand.
Perhaps this is your boyfriend’s way of trying to encourage you to do something you should already be doing, but he has chosen a hurtful way to express this.
You two need to talk more about your weight. Get specific. Ask him the exact circumference of the hoop you must climb through to be with him. And then know that even if you are able to meet his conditions, at the end of the day you will be with someone who might always find another bridge for you to cross.
Dear Amy: Five years ago I realized that a woman I dated 25 years earlier was someone I had stronger feelings for than I was mature enough to appreciate at the time. I realized that I wanted to know why we didn’t have a longer-term relationship.
I continue to have this question, which led me to write her twice, but the content was general — not what has been on my mind. I haven’t received an answer.
Would asking my question(s) directly in a letter be the best way to coax her to reconnect? Apart from this midlife crisis of mine, I’m happily married and successful. All I want are answers. — Seeking Answers
Dear Seeking: When you write to someone twice and don’t receive a reply, you have your answer. Your old girlfriend doesn’t want to be in touch with you. She doesn’t want to be a part of your midlife crisis.
If she answered your direct question: “Why didn’t we have a longer-term relationship?” with an explanation of some kind, would that satisfy you? I don’t think so. You are desperate to reconnect with her, and for this reason you shouldn’t.
Midlife challenges are nothing to sneeze at. Your happy marriage is at risk if you don’t deal with your unresolved feelings about this relationship. The best place to explore this is in a therapist’s office — look for someone who specializes in dealing with men’s issues.
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