Dear Amy: I had a child before I met my husband. When we got married, my husband adopted my daughter, who was a year old at the time. We then had three more children. Now they’re all grown and have children of their own.
My mother-in-law now wants to have a “generation picture” done.
She plans to include only the children my husband and I have biologically together. My husband considers my daughter to be “our” daughter.
Is it rude of his mother to ask for pictures with our other children and exclude her? If my mother-in-law won’t include our daughter in the shot, I feel no pictures should be taken. — Confused and Hurt
Dear Confused: Your mother-in-law’s distinction between biological and adopted children is offensive. Adoptive parents are “real” parents in every way.
It is somewhat surprising that all of your children are now adults and yet your mother-in-law persists in differentiating among them.
Your husband should have set her straight on this many years ago. If he didn’t, or if she has forgotten what makes a family, now is the perfect time to educate her on the subject.
Dear Amy: My husband “Burt” and I have been married almost 20 years and are in our early 60s.
Almost two years ago, Burt contacted a former friend, “Kerry,” who is in her early 40s, to say hello. Kerry and Burt were corresponding via e-mail and became business partners, along with some other associates. She lives several states away. Burt has visited twice, spent many daytime business hours with Kerry and wined and dined her in the evening.
He says she is one of his best friends and has long talks with her on the phone.
Burt would like to visit her again and I suggested that we go together.
After a much-heated discussion, Burt stated that Kerry is his friend and he wants to see her by himself. I was really upset by this.
Burt claims he loves me and that there is only a good friendship between them.
Am I being unreasonable? — Perplexed
Dear Perplexed: Married people should conduct their friendships with a level of transparency and inclusiveness. This can be complicated when opposite gender friends also work together.
Your husband should respect your uncertainty about this relationship and take whatever steps necessary to ease your mind. That is what loving partners do for each other.
The fact that he is unwilling to do this raises very understandable questions.
Dear Amy: I’m responding to the letter from “Urban Amish,” who didn’t feel comfortable using most modern technology.
Computers are so different from what you run into in normal life (i.e., windows that open and close by physical effort) that there’s no way to learn about them without feeling dumb during the process. You have to be willing to tolerate that dumb feeling to get to where you know what you’re doing.
I teach computer science. One of the things I’m fond of telling my students is that “There’s no way to climb ‘The Mountain of Knowledge’ without first passing through ‘The Valley of Stupidity.’ ” I tell my students that as an experienced software engineer, I still spend a lot of my time feeling dumb. Once you figure things out you get smart again. — Geek Teacher
Dear Teacher: Thanks for the wisdom. It’s a relief to know that someday we may scale the “Cliff of Ineptitude” and reach “The Mountain of Knowledge.”
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