Dear Amy: For most of my life I was very passionate about a specific, niche career choice and even made it through part of a Ph.D. in the field before a very prolonged and traumatic experience in it essentially killed the passion I once had.
Years later, I have found a great new career path and am studying for a master’s degree, but I still meet people who, when they find out about my past (my education and work experience are on my resume) often make comments (albeit innocent) about my eventually going back to that career.
This makes me feel horrible and puts me in the position of having to politely (and briefly) explain that it is simply not something that I am considering, and that I would rather not discuss it further.
I need to know how I can best handle this situation, especially when it pertains to prospective employers. — Fed Up
Dear Fed: Prospective employers have every right to receive a detailed and honest answer from you regarding your work and study history.
If someone innocently bringing up the topic of your former profession makes you feel horrible, then you should ask yourself who is really responsible for your reaction. (Hint: You are.) You can deal with almost any unwanted topic if you’ll think of yourself as a “spin doctor.” Be your own James Carville.
Dear Amy: My boyfriend “Brian” and I have been dating for about 9 months. We are in our late 20s. I’m very happy with him, and we’re moving in together next month. Marriage is on our radar.
My problem comes in the form of “Patrick.” He is gorgeous, charming and a lot of fun. He is also a very immature 22-year-old.
To be blunt, he and I never had much of a relationship; we went out on dates and slept together. Now he wants to pick up where we left off.
I said no. But I cannot get him out of my head. On top of that, I find myself doubting my relationship with Brian. Patrick seems exciting and interesting, while Brian is now appearing dull — and he’s not.
I’ve asked Patrick to stop texting and calling, but he continues to do so. Secretly, I love it. But I want to go back to the way things were, before he came back on the scene, when I was content and happy.
I’ve considered going to a psychologist to explore what seem like deep-seated commitment issues. Your take? — Worried in Chicago
Dear Worried: Your interest in “Mr. Fun” might be a reaction to your decision to cohabitate with your partner. Don’t move in with him until you’ve figured this out. Try this: For you, “Patrick” represents the freedom and foolishness of youth, while “Brian” is all about mortgages and minivans.
One burden of being an adult in a committed relationship is the choice to put away childish things and childish people. This means you have to redirect and refocus your youthful energy onto your partner. He deserves the very best of you. I agree that therapy would help.
Dear Amy: “MN in Illinois” wrote to you about her relative who said she wasn’t going to go to a family event if “so and so” was there.
Your reply was to say, “We’ll miss you.” I think the bully should be clearly responsible for his or her own choice to go or stay.
Your phrase has the hostess making the “no” choice for the bully. I say the bully should be told, “It’s your choice to come or not.” That way, the bully knows in no uncertain terms that he or she is responsible for the choice. — KIB in California
Dear KIB: My thinking: When a bully states she won’t come to an event if a specific other guest is invited, “We’ll miss you” is a concise way of saying, “I make the guest list at my house; you don’t.”
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