Dear Margo: I’m 21 years old and will be graduating with my bachelor’s degree in chemistry, with plans to go for a master’s, then a Ph.D. I have a ring and a date from a wonderful man I have been with for four years. Everything is great … except my friends. I was very close to the same two girls throughout grade school and high school; now I can’t stand to be around either of them. One drinks to excess at least three nights a week and always wants to “hang out” at gross backyard keg parties. The other dates a deplorable stoner who treats her like a dog and brags about how much money he makes pushing drugs to the local teens. Not surprisingly, all they do is whine and cry to me about all their problems, and then try to find problems with my life. I don’t return their calls anymore and have no desire to speak with them. So now they leave me messages all day, drive by and “drop in” if they see my car, and try to guilt trip me about being a terrible person for “throwing away” so many years of friendship. Margo, none of us is the same person we were in high school, and my mom is telling me it’s natural to outgrow some friends. I used to try getting them together for lunch dates, movies and other non-boozing and drug-using things, but they always said I was no fun. Short of punching them both in the teeth, I can only deal with this by not talking to them. Am I being mean? — Losing the “Forever” in BFF
Dear Lose: My dear, women can outgrow husbands. Your mother is absolutely correct. These girls sound like two losers with entirely different interests from yours, and you should feel free to tell them that your values and theirs have diverged to a degree where the old friendship is no longer possible. You in no way need to feel guilty about unloading these two babes who have clearly gone off the rails. — Margo, guiltlessly
Fool me once
Dear Margo: I am worried about a friend at work. She was married to a man who abused her. Two kids later, she divorced him. Then she met another man. She loves him and wants to marry and have a baby. The problem is that he is very controlling. He tells her what she can and can’t do, what she can buy with her own money, that she can’t be on her own computer, etc. He makes her call him during each break. He texted her twice and called her once in the hour she went to visit a friend with a new baby. She was expecting a diamond on her birthday, but was disappointed. He told her they will get married when he “gets all of his ducks in a row.” A couple of us have decided that he hasn’t even found his ducks yet. He’s been in other relationships where he’s out the door at the mention of marriage. Now she thinks she may be pregnant! We’re afraid that if she tells him he will go nuts. Should we tell her what we are thinking? — Confused in Platteville
Dear Con: Guess what? This guy is nuts already … and I have a few doubts about your friend, as well. Any girl who leaves an abusive marriage and winds up with the man you describe sounds like a slow learner. I think the colleagues who care about her should, indeed, sit her down and explain their reservations about this man, along with the likelihood of another punishing relationship. If she is pregnant and he dumps her, remind your friend that he is responsible, by law, for child support. Moreover, it would be useful if you all could help her see that this is the wrong man for her in any circumstance. — Margo, interventionally
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
