Dear Margo: My wife and I have been married for seven years, most of which have been wonderful. But now I fear our relationship is broken, and it is my fault. After many years of failing to have children, in 2006 we adopted a wonderful little boy. However, in the months leading up to the adoption I committed an indiscretion by becoming emotionally involved with a female co-worker. I turned to her for consolation while my wife was out of the country working on the adoption, and we became very close. I was never technically unfaithful, but the relationship was inappropriate and I knew it. I told my wife about it. She urged me to break it off, but I didn’t, and when she found out it was very painful.
I have had no contact with this other woman for the past 18 months and have assured my wife that I will never see her again (she no longer works with me). Unfortunately, my wife does not trust me anymore. If I need to work late or have a client dinner, she becomes suspicious and angry. I always tell her where I am and who I am with, and I keep my cell on so she can call me, but this doesn’t seem to be enough. When I try to talk to her about her feelings, she invariably clams up. If I press her, she becomes borderline abusive, making remarks about my appearance and habits that are very hurtful. I know I let her down, but I feel I have gone the extra mile to make it up to her. How long should it take for someone to forgive an indiscretion if she says she loves you? — Seeking Forgiveness
Dear Seek: Your mea culpa sounds heartfelt, though you clearly have much to be culpa about. Confessing and then refusing to break it off may be what you’re paying for now. Because your wife will not discuss her anger and lashes out at you while affirming her love, perhaps the question to ask her is how long she wants to live this way? To break this cycle I would suggest counseling for her — with or without you. Aided by professional guidance, time is a great healer, even when it involves a guy who has been a heel. — Margo, optimistically
In sickness and in health, but not in bed
Dear Margo: I consider my best friend to be my “platonic soul mate” — like my brother, only closer. He’s a gay male, I’m a straight female; no romantic interest, but a deep and meaningful love nonetheless. We talk about raising children together, but adopting in many states requires the adopting parents to be married — which is fine. Would it be considered duping friends and family to have a real wedding? — Wanting To Do the Right Thing
Dear Want: I doubt that you would be duping anyone, and I’m sure your friends would wish you well. Gay people marry straight people all the time for a number of reasons — and sometimes even without their knowledge! If you’ve decided you do not wish to marry a straight man and have your heart set on making a family with your close friend, it’s fine with me. There are many ways to live a life. Good luck. — Margo, alternatively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
