While recently perusing the Internet for employment opportunities, I was “WIPPed.”
WIPP, you may not know, is the U.S. Department of Energy’s “Waste Isolation Pilot Project.”
It’s not the kind of waste that blows into the Pacific Ocean, creating a garbage fantasy island twice the size of Texas. It’s the brand that will make you glow — so that the man on the moon could see you, too.
WIPP is Earth’s third largest defense-related transuranic radioactive waste facility, located an astounding 25 miles clear of expendable Carlsbad, N.M.
According to the Energy Department’sinformational video (www.wipp.energy.gov), tools, clothing, soils, sludges and equipment used in the manufacturing of nuclear weapons are stored in this transuranic facility.
Transuranic, meaning, by all means, there’s no need for panic. They will practically and unwaveringly isolate this radioactive material for thousands of years until the salt flats in the desert consume every last drop of gobbledy gook.
Only 96 percent of the waste has to be handled by human beings, who can dress casually, whistling Dixie while shoving radioactive containers into concrete tombs a half mile underground by forklift. The other 4 percent must be remote-handled, meaning, by use of robotics and machinery, because this other nuclear waste is the ornery kind.
If you watch what I’m sure is unedited video, you will see the nuclear waste containers being safely shipped by rig and trailer to the facility.
Let’s hope none of this is shipped during the more slippery months of the year or while there might be other drivers on their cellphones. Congressrestricted the facility’s storage capabilities to only preserving defense-related transuranic waste, as opposed to your run-of-the-mill, backyard, garden variety radioactive waste.
The best news of all: Visitors to Carlsbad are encouraged to visit the WIPP Experience Exhibit while on the way to Disneyland.
Why not? I’m sure the Griswolds would have taken full advantage of such a once-in-a-lifetime experience like nuclear waste management. Mind you, the exhibit is at the Department of Energy’s office and not the actual dump site. But I’m sure they’ll do everything they can to make it a real-life, near-deathexperience for the whole family.
The million-dollar question now is, “Why not Colorado?” Tourism is down because those tightwads in other states refuse to leave their slippery financial slopes to take advantage of our fluffy, snow-packed ones.
Let’s provide, round-the-clock, sentimental journeys through the wind-swept Rocky Flats. You don’t have to shut down at dusk. We can roast marshmallows around the plutonium and ex-employees can tell scary stories of how they were ostracized when seeking out medical treatment for radioactive exposure. OOOHHHH! The kids are sure to sleep with one eye open.
We can bus them to other waste management facilities in Colorado. We can show them how computers are shipped to Asian countries and the components broken down, resulting in glistening streams and rivers of mercury and heavy metals, which will provide Asian children with economic viability and financial windfalls the like that have not been seen since the Mao Dow.
I think we’re on to something here, folks. Like they say, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Fidel Jaramillo (fideljaramillo@yahoo.com) lives in Englewood. EDITOR’S NOTE: This is an online-only column and has not been edited.
