The light was blinking on the answering machine when I returned from walking the dog, so I returned a call from Ananias Ziegler, media relations director of the Committee That Really Runs America.
“Why don’t you take a cellphone so that you can stay in touch?” Ziegler asked.
“Because there are times when I’d rather not be in touch,” I explained.
“Be careful,” he cautioned. “That might not be legal. There could be a provision in the Patriot Act that requires all Americans to be receptive at all times. Suppose you missed a security alert because you were out ambling around with your dog in willful ignorance.”
“Suppose I did,” I grumbled before changing the subject. “I’m sure you didn’t call just to berate me for not being immediately accessible.”
He sighed. “You’re right. I want you to put the right spin on the water issue.”
“Black Canyon of the Gunnison reserved water rights?” I asked. “Or our Nestle controversy in Chaffee County?”
“You’re so parochial,” Ziegler complained. “Of course not. I want to be sure that whatever you write about the waterboarding matter, you tie it to Democrat Nancy Pelosi and her San Francisco values.”
I confessed that I’d had a hard time keeping up with the recommended spin. “First you guys say it isn’t torture. Then you say that it was legal, no matter what some people might call it, because some government lawyers contrived some convoluted justifications for it. Along the way, I hear that it doesn’t matter whether it was legal because it worked and produced information that made America safer. So where does this new angle fit?”
Ziegler cleared his throat. “I can see you’ve had trouble following this, so you must be glad I called.”
I wasn’t, but I let that slide as he continued. “Here’s what we want you to think happened. In 2002, Pelosi and other congressional leaders were briefed by the CIA. They were told that the CIA would use ‘enhanced interrogation techniques’ like waterboarding. And Pelosi did not object then, so it must be OK with her, and if it’s approved by a latte-sipping San Francisco liberal, it must be totally acceptable, right? So everybody should quit pointing fingers.”
Something struck me. “Didn’t she say it didn’t happen like that?”
“Who’s more likely to lie?” Ziegler asked. “A politician or the CIA?”
“That’s a tough question,” I conceded. “But suppose it happened just the way you said it did and Pelosi had then gone to the House floor and declared that the CIA had just told her that the United States was violating the Geneva Conventions and various American laws. What would have happened?”
“That’s an easy question,” Ziegler replied. “We would have had her charged with treason for revealing secret information.”
“But doesn’t the Constitution say there can’t be laws against free speech? And further, that no member of Congress can be prosecuted for anything said on the floor? And besides that, isn’t the CIA unconstitutional anyway, since it has a secret budget and the Constitution requires publication of all expenditures?”
“Oh, you and your Constitution- hugging buddies,” Ziegler harrumphed. “How much Constitution are you going to have if the terrorists attack again?”
“So we’re supposed to violate the Constitution in order to save it?” I asked.
Ziegler grunted. “You’re trying to distract me. The important thing to remember is that this is all Nancy Pelosi’s fault, and that if you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep Dick Cheney out of it.”
Before I could ask for clarification, he hung up, and for some reason I wanted to go walk the dog again, far from any telephones.
Ed Quillen (ed@cozine.com) of Salida is a freelance writer and history buff, and a frequent contributor to The Post.
