In a burrito line the other day, two young dads in front of me got all gooey about their kids. She’s doing this now, he’s in that stage, “God, I just love them.” I found this very cool. I never heard this much from my father’s World War II generation, or my own. I felt proud of those young dads. Guys have come a long way — OK, some guys.
I think about my dad. He died 20 years ago, yet I still give thanks for him and who he was in my life. He died of heart disease, and our family doctor meant it as a warning when he told me, “You have your father’s heart.” I know he meant I should start paying attention to cholesterol and exercise, but having my dad’s heart is not a bad thing; it’s an honor. It’s more compliment than warning.
In my work, I’m in contact with lots of abused, neglected and mentally ill kids and their families. So many of the kids we see don’t have dads or a father figure in their lives, and they miss it. Boys, especially, mourn not having a positive male adult. They probably won’t cry over it, but they act out the loss in depression or delinquency, or through disobedience or disrespect to mom, or with rageful behavior they may not even understand. Hurt boys tend to live like hockey goalies, fending off any soft feelings; loss and grief get translated into anger as the only appropriate male feeling. They are dealing with it all out here in front, letting little inside their guard.
Loving a daughter is a glorious gift, but it’s a man’s job to teach a boy how to be a brave, loving, strong, tender man. Dads teach sons how to be warriors, protecting the children and the Earth. Warrior men do not shame others, nor do they allow shame done to others.
Those of us who try to help families that have experienced domestic violence, child abuse and neglect have mostly concentrated on time with the moms and kids, which is absolutely needed. But we now know that we made a mistake in having no expectations for the male in the house. We need to pay attention to the man in the house, the guy who may not be the biological dad or even a formal step-dad, but is connected to the kids through his relationship with mom.
He usually doesn’t quite know what role to take, and so gives conflicting messages to the kids about key aspects of family life such as boundaries, discipline and responsibilities. We want to move these guys from no expectations to new expectations: that there will be no violence in any family relationships, that there be a willingness to act as a father figure to the children. Man up, or move on.
These new expectations need to be talked through with mom, and sometimes suggestions and alternatives from family professionals help. It is crucial to figure this out with other males, with men who learn from mistakes and don’t give up on parenting. Our models for fathering come from our own dads, who may have been or are missing, or from media sitcom images shaped a long time back. But why should we expect images from the ’70s to make sense to today’s families?
We need to sit down with each other and the women we love to find out how to be a great dad to the kids in this house. There aren’t too many more important things in life. Becoming a dad is being a man.
So here’s a burrito toast to the men who love and nurture the children under their care. Fathering is life-giving, as continually creative as initially pro-creative. Real men love kids.
Dennis Kennedy is director of communications and government relations at Mount Saint Vincent Home in Denver.
