Dear Margo: I am 20 and have been lucky in life … growing up in nice neighborhoods, going to good schools, having parents who were successful financially. I am about to get my B.A. and then work full time at a good job. My wonderful boyfriend is 22 and has been less fortunate. He was raised by an amazing single mother who worked two jobs to support four children. They are from a low-income, mostly Latino community, where the schools were poor. As a result, life has been harder for him. Unlike my parents, who have given me money to save, he’s had to work full time, living paycheck to paycheck. Because of this, he’d been out of school for a short while, but has started working on his degree again. The problem is my parents. They say he’s riding my coattails and taking advantage of me, and that once we’ve been cohabiting long enough, he’s going to take half of what I have. The things they say come off as classist and even racist, and they both know that their remarks offend and hurt me deeply. Should I tell my parents to take a hike? I want to maintain a good relationship with them and my boyfriend, but they’re making it difficult. In some ways, I feel that they should have a say in what I do because much of the money I have saved came from them. What can I do? — Head Over Heels in Phoenix
Dear Head: I, too, think parents should have a say in a child’s life (and not because they have supplied money), but any child who is a reasonably mature 20 should be allowed to evaluate what it is the parents have to say. I suspect you have things pegged right. Your beau sounds as though he was well, if not lavishly, raised, and your relationship sounds like perfection. I suspect your parents are using stereotypical prejudices to deduce that your young man will never amount to anything. I don’t have to look very far to counter their thinking. My own father had to work from the age of 13 and dropped out of school in the 10th grade. With smarts and drive and no higher education, his life worked out; he was the founder of Budget Rent A Car. So go with your gut and stick with your fella. — Margo, intuitively
And Let Me Show You the Pictures!
Dear Margo: I work with a woman I’ll call Nadine. She told me she doesn’t need to work to cover everyday expenses, but does so to pay for “extras” for her elementary-school grandsons. These extras run from school supplies and sports equipment to cruises and trips outside the United States. This woman is continually on the phone with her kids and grandkids while at work. One grandson lives next door to her with his parents, but you would think they live on the other side of the world the way she’s always on the phone with them. I’m not sure why management allows this, but they do. The other day, Nadine was telling me about something her younger grandson did and how proud she was. I thought the woman was going to wet her pants! I’m sure I’m not her only co-worker who is tired of listening to her go on and on about her grandsons. Is there a polite way to tell Nadine that the rest of us don’t need a daily report on her wonderful family? — Tired of Hearing It
Dear Tired: Do you people not have a boss? Personal calls at work, as I understand it, are a no-no. This garrulous granny, alas, is laser focused on the little boys. Her social antennae apparently have stopped functioning if she hasn’t figured out that other people really don’t care. I suggest you gently relay to Nadine that not everyone is interested in other people’s grandchildren. If this is too difficult, you are kinda stuck. I suppose you could excuse yourself when she starts to talk and tell her you must go to the water cooler … or you might respond with news of your dog. — Margo, passive -aggressively
