Dear Margo: I’ve been in a long-term polyamorous MFM triad with two really wonderful guys for the last four years, one of whom I’ve been seeing for almost seven. We have a lower-than-average drama quotient than even most dyadic (two person couple) relationships, and are all very happy with each other and our lives. We had always talked about seeking another female mate, but our non-relationship life stuff hadn’t really been such that we could devote much time to the endeavor. Now, our lives have finally settled down for the most part, and we’ve come to realize that none of us can think of a way to approach someone with this. We’ve tried online and our local poly community as places to look for dates, to no avail. I realize that it will be difficult to find someone who is compatible with all of us, but we need a way to politely put ourselves out there first. Could you give three shy nerds an opener or some advice? — Wannabe Quad
Dear Wan: You are making this sound like rounding up a fourth for bridge. Although I am not an old hand at figuring out how to be of assistance to the polyamorous, I would recommend that you let life happen. This seems to be the way to go, since you haven’t had any luck with what you call your local poly community or online advertising. And it may be that you “three shy nerds” are doing fine as a threesome. I would also like to advise people who disapprove of your lifestyle not to write asking why I didn’t tell you this is not “normal” or “moral.” I only and always deal with the question asked. — Margo, non -judgmentally
Up to His Eyeballs in Porn
Dear Margo: With 30 years of experience, I felt I had to respond to the many letters you’ve printed regarding men looking at porn. What started out as “looking at naughty videos” has become a lifelong disease in my home. First I found my husband’s magazines and books. Then life moved into the video age; now the computer. Besides the pain, anger and disgust I’ve been burdened with, I had to try to protect our sons from Daddy’s 2 a.m. “hobby.” Later I worried they’d come home late with friends to find Dad on the computer. If I wake up at 3 a.m. on a Friday or Saturday night and want to go downstairs for water, I have to make noise so he knows I’m coming. Recently I stumbled onto, well, a new depth of depravity in his viewing that left me stunned, shaking and devastated. I confronted him, as I have many times over the years, and he swore, “Never again.” Yeah, right. And now grandchildren are a possibility. Anyway, my experienced advice to women who are dating is to discuss porn viewing early on (some people are OK with it) and explain that it is a “deal breaker” for you. Let someone else deal with this guy because there ain’t no cure for this one. — Sadder but Wiser
Dear Sad: I always listen to the voice of experience, and I’ve seldom heard from a woman who is good with her husband’s affinity for, or more likely his addiction to, porn. A couple, together, enjoying erotica is a far cry from a man who’s parked at the computer for hours on end forking over his credit card number for sexual entertainment. — Margo, cautiously
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
