Dear Amy: I will be getting married to a wonderful man in a few months. My future mother-in-law never had any problems with me while my fiance and I were dating, but now that we are getting married, she refuses to give her blessing until she meets my family.
My father passed away when I was 8, but my mother is alive. She married a monster when I was 12. He sexually abused me, and my mother turned a blind eye to it and disowned me when I was 16, claiming I seduced him.
My future mother-in-law has stated that she will meet my mother one way or another and things would “go a lot smoother if (I) just cooperated.” I do not have a relationship with any of my biological family, and that is a painful reality I have to live with.
My fiance has been unable to convince his mother that it is a bad idea, so I’m at a loss. I am terrified that seeing my mother again will set me back psychologically. What can I do? — Frustrated Fiancee
Dear Frustrated: Your future mother-in-law sounds like a menace.
“Things will go a lot smoother if you cooperate” is what the cops on “Law and Order” say, just before they go ballistic. When faced with a threat like that, the best response is to ask, “Really? Can you explain exactly what you’re saying?” Forcing this bully to articulate her intentions might compel her to back off. It will also establish that you are calm, collected and not intimidated.
If you feel you have explained your history and feelings adequately, then the only thing you can do is to defend yourself by resisting her pressure.
In short, call her bluff, refuse to cooperate and don’t pursue her “blessing.” If you and your fiance can’t handle his mother well enough to insist she respect you, then you two should think seriously about how to proceed with your plans. The last thing you need is another abusive woman in your life.
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