Dear Margo: Recently, an elderly friend’s husband died after a long illness. His wishes were to leave his body to science and to not have a funeral. His wife of 50 years complied and is privately grieving. My sister, in the final stages of a long illness, also prefers no funeral and wants to donate her body to science, as well. In her case, the likelihood of having her body accepted for research is slim, though we are trying. My sister’s children have expressed their desire for the family to be able to conduct a private, closed memorial service. My sister has argued with her children and insists, “No funeral.” My other sister and I feel this is selfish. What about family and friends’ need to grieve and console one another? Aren’t death rituals for the benefit of the living, not the dead? — Grievance about Grief
Dear Griev: Let’s deal with the smaller issue first. Sometimes, in the case of an elderly person, medical institutions cannot use either the body or any organs because of prevailing illnesses. I would finesse this issue with your sister by saying you will make her offer known to different medical institutions. My mother, as well, wanted this to happen, but it was not possible. And speaking of my mother brings me to the larger point. She, also, did not want a funeral. Our situation, of course, was complicated because she was famous. She feared it would be a circus, and additionally did not want to inconvenience friends with having to fly to Chicago. (There are people who are mad at me to this day because there was no funeral.) My mother said to me, however, what I say to you: Do what you need to do for yourself. You will not be having a funeral (religious service, burial) if you have a gathering of friends and family to laugh and cry together. I suggest you close the discussion by saying, “Mom, there will be no funeral.” As to your larger question, death rituals really are for the living, though for many people, dictating the terms of their formal farewell has meaning. For myself, I have chosen another way. I have told my husband and children to do whatever they like. Actually, what I said was, “Surprise me!” — Margo, individually
Robbing the cradle
Dear Margo: Something that is none of my business is getting under my skin. A friend of my boyfriend, “Rick,” is dating an underage girl, “Wendy,” who looks a lot younger than she is. She’s 17, but looks more like 12. Rick is 27. I have expressed my opinion that I don’t want to attend social events with them. She drinks alcohol and does an assortment of drugs, and so does Rick. My boyfriend and I have worked hard for everything we have and do not want to take the chance of losing it all because we were in the company of a minor drinking alcohol or doing drugs. My boyfriend and I were invited over one night to hang out with them, not realizing that the house was full of teenagers drinking. We said hello and goodbye. Am I being too much of a prude because I don’t want to involve myself with a possibly volatile situation? — Not Sure What To Think
Dear Not: This situation is more of your business than you may think, insofar as socializing with these people. Legal issues aside, I believe people of principle are free to choose to not associate with people whose standards do not meet their own. Some people, for example, will not socialize with Mr. X and his girlfriend if they are friends with Mrs. X. See what I mean? At some point, Wendy will be of legal age to drink, but the drug business is a legitimate reason for you and your boyfriend to steer clear. You are in no way a prude to decide that certain behaviors are unacceptable to you. — Margo, honorably
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
