Dear Amy: I just got back from my family reunion. A situation arose that caused some unpleasantness. Some family members suggest that I owe an apology. I would like your opinion.
As the day wore on, more and more alcohol was consumed. One of my cousins (age 50) had been seen drinking frequently, and two people voiced concern because he was intending not only to drive home, but also to drive another cousin and his elderly mother.
I chatted with both mother and cousin, who voiced some concern. I offered them sleeping accommodations.
I took the drinking cousin aside and said that some were concerned that he was drinking enough to jeopardize his driving. I offered to try to find some sleeping space at my mother’s house, where the reunion was hosted. He said he would be fine.
I asked him if he didn’t mind telling me how many beers he had consumed.
He said that he had drunk eight or 10 beers, and I said, “That’s a lot.” He then got visibly angry and said he was tired of these games. He told his mother and cousin that he was driving them home “now,” and did so.
He drove home without incident. Some felt that this proved I was wrong to question his drinking. My cousin is now mad at me.
Some have suggested that it was none of my business how much my cousin drank and noted that I was the cause of angst when everybody was so happy before. What do you think? — Trying to Do Right
Dear Trying: Following the reasoning of your family, your cousin would have had to crash his car for your concerns to be valid — or perhaps his arrest on drunken-driving charges would have sufficed.
You don’t owe anyone an apology. When someone is drunk and leaves a gathering where he has consumed alcohol, the people hosting the party can be held responsible for whatever happens once that person leaves.
Your cousin’s belligerence when confronted with his drinking is typical and to be expected from someone who has a problem he won’t face.
Unfortunately, reunions, weddings and other special gatherings where families come together are sometimes the source of painful realizations about a family member’s substance abuse.
Your family should thank you for trying to do something about this situation. The real question is why no one else stepped forward to try to prevent this man from getting behind the wheel.
Dear Amy: We had our first child, a beloved little girl, 11 months ago. We gave her a classic name and one we thought she would be proud to have. It is not the kind of name that is easy to shorten, but my mother-in-law and sister-in-law have shortened my daughter’s beautiful name to a ridiculous nickname.
They think it is cute, and I have asked them nicely on several occasions not to use it, yet they persist.
How can I get my in-laws to stop calling my daughter by this undesirable nickname? — Sick of Nicknames
Dear Sick: The best person to advocate for almost any position with your in-laws is your spouse. He or she has the longest history with this family and should know how to forcefully state your case.
This is a silly power play, but you will need to figure out when to push and when to stop pushing and accept this as a foolish quirk.
Your daughter’s pet name will most likely stay within this one branch of the family. If she doesn’t like it, she will ask them to stop calling me that name — probably when she’s a 3-year-old.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
